We skipped Ohio. I wussed out and couldn't do it. I just can't face them yet. They probably all hate me and holed everything against me. I torched that house. I wasn't in my right mind, but still, I did it. Now I find myself wanting to be back there. Wanting to be there where I felt safe. Living with the memories. But I just can't. I ruined it. I ruined everything. I'm so confused. I feel like I should confess everything to them, but then I'd be insane and don't feel like being admitted to the psych ward.
So, we're here, at the Haven. We've been here a few days now. I had a nice... chat... with Constance. I've seen Derrek and Brandy. they're doing as well as can be expected. Brandy seems so... distant. I don't know.
I've just been biding my time. I'll cover stuff more at a later time. I'm just tired. I'm ready to relax and just try and unwind. No sightings of Slendy here make it easier to unwind. Not sure how long we'll be here. I guess time will tell.
That's all for now, thought I should give an update. Take care and may the Goddess bless.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Going Mobile
We're heading to the east coast. It would have been just me, but when I told Malkin he threw a raging shit fit about it and said I had to take him with me. So we're both going. We're going to see Adro--- no, Constance. We're going to go to the Haven she's built. I need to talk to her. Make Amends? I don't know. I think I need closure. I need to know why she killed Brennon, why she killed Taben. Why she killed my lovers. Taben wasn't the same after Allen disappeared. But still, I loved him and would have at least liked to say goodbye.
Malkin's had some issues but it's nothing that can't be expected. I mean we're being stalked by Slendy and all. Constance said He's not been seen on her property, so it seems like a safe place. I think Brandy's out there. I know Derek is. I'm just afraid of what I'll do when I see Derek. I... still feel for him but, I don't know. It's a lot to think over. And I don't want to upset Malkin. I love him. I don't want to do anything to betray that.
The route we're taking will take us about two days, that's without sleeping though. If Malkin could drive it'd be easier, but it might take a bit longer. We'll see. I... I want to see where they were laid to rest. I want to pay my respects. I want to apologize to Brennon's parents. To Taben's parents. I feel I failed them all. I want to see what's left of the house. I just... I need to go back. I need to see. Once I've come full circle, I can truly move on. I'll be happy to have that piece of mind.
Branwen... her parents, her family. I don't even know what to do for them. Say to them. She was my sis. My family is gone. I only have Malkin left. And Gods know I'm going to hold on tight to what I have.
I love you Malkin, I'll keep you safe. I promise.
I'll see you soon Constance. And Derek. And Brandy. I hope you're all well.
Off we go.
Malkin's had some issues but it's nothing that can't be expected. I mean we're being stalked by Slendy and all. Constance said He's not been seen on her property, so it seems like a safe place. I think Brandy's out there. I know Derek is. I'm just afraid of what I'll do when I see Derek. I... still feel for him but, I don't know. It's a lot to think over. And I don't want to upset Malkin. I love him. I don't want to do anything to betray that.
The route we're taking will take us about two days, that's without sleeping though. If Malkin could drive it'd be easier, but it might take a bit longer. We'll see. I... I want to see where they were laid to rest. I want to pay my respects. I want to apologize to Brennon's parents. To Taben's parents. I feel I failed them all. I want to see what's left of the house. I just... I need to go back. I need to see. Once I've come full circle, I can truly move on. I'll be happy to have that piece of mind.
Branwen... her parents, her family. I don't even know what to do for them. Say to them. She was my sis. My family is gone. I only have Malkin left. And Gods know I'm going to hold on tight to what I have.
I love you Malkin, I'll keep you safe. I promise.
I'll see you soon Constance. And Derek. And Brandy. I hope you're all well.
Off we go.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
An update on life
First off, I want to apologize first for such extensive breaks between posts. I'm just tiered and busy and have been drowning in my thoughts. That and the whole busy thing has been well uneventful busy.
Second, I want to apologize for my typos and grammar errors. I don't remember the last time I've had a full sleep instead of just a nap. I've been uneventfully busy and keeping on the watch for things we don't want to deal with. Well, really it's mostly taking care of Malkin and stuff. You probably saw what he had posted about on his journal but, he left a lot out and got some stuff confused a bit. I can't blame him, he was in and out of consciousness at best and when he was cognitive it was him in a proxy trance wanting to get at me and get free of my restraints on him.
Ok, maybe I should start from the beginning of that night. We had gone to bed earlier that night. I was tired, Mal was tired so we went to bed. We've been sharing a bed since we... uh.. made things between us official. Yeah, but.. that's beside the point. In the middle of the night I was jolted awake by the inability to breathe and felt something clamped tightly around my neck. When I finally came to completely it was Malkin. He had a glazed look in his eye and was over me that one mangled arm of his stretched out and the hand clamped around my throat and choking me.
The first thing that came to my mind was that I was going to lose the last person I had. I was going to lose Malkin. He was going to kill me. I remember thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. That I'd be with everyone I lost again. And then I was snapped out of that by the look of fear that suddenly passed over Malkin's face. That gave me the urge to fight. He was still there in some part, he just had problems fighting this. So I had to fight for him. I had to fight and get back at Slender Man for what he had done to my family. He was my prey I was going to kill him. Unable to break Malkin's grip with my hands I purposely fell out of bed and onto the floor rolling as I did. This thankfully loosened his grip and I got free. He was just perched on the edge of the bed looking at me, that blank expression on his face, his eyes glazed over. I was moving to get up when I was pushed back painfully on the ground. Malkin was over me and he was punching and grabbing at me. I pushed him off forcibly and pinned him to the ground, turned the tide on him so to say. I managed to get him wrapped in the bed sheets to help restrain him and tried to figure out what to do. He didn't even fight now. He just sat there in a trance, staring at me blankly. Now and then he'd try to fight against his restraints. I just watched uncertainly. I wasn't sure what I could do, all I knew is that if I didn't do anything, I'd lose Malkin, and then I’d truly be alone. I wasn't ready to lose another person I loved, so, what I did next was the only choice I had.
See, he had been fine until this infection hit his arm, this Proxifying substance or whatever the fuck it was. He had been fine until that injury, and everything seemed to stem from that arm. So the only choice I had was to remove it. It was either have Malkin lose his arm and hopefully get better, or for me to lose Malkin. I wasn't about to let the latter be the case so I did what I did in an act of desperation. I dragged Malkin into the kitchen still wrapped in the bed sheets I freed his arm and found the means to tie it to the leg of a table. He fought trying to get at me but did nothing otherwise. I searched through the cupboards an found a large cast iron cooking skillet. I turned the burner on the stove on and placed the pan on the burner to allow it to get hot. When I did this I'd need something to help stem the blood flow so he didn't bleed to death. The pan would act as a means of cauterization for the stump of his arm. I tied his circulation off at his shoulder and worked to try and restrain the arm as much as possible. I went and started looking through the closets for something to help with the removal. I managed to find a hand saw hidden away in the closet and decided that would have to work for the purpose I needed it for. I returned to the kitchen and looked to Malkin he was crying and he was fighting asking me repeatedly what was wrong and what happened.
“The arm's going” Was all I said and held up the saw. Malkin's eyes went wide and he started screaming and struggling and crying.
“We can go the the hospital! Please let's go to the hospital! I'll die! We can't do it here please!” He was struggling and trying to get control of the situation and get loose.
Ok, maybe I should start from the beginning of that night. We had gone to bed earlier that night. I was tired, Mal was tired so we went to bed. We've been sharing a bed since we... uh.. made things between us official. Yeah, but.. that's beside the point. In the middle of the night I was jolted awake by the inability to breathe and felt something clamped tightly around my neck. When I finally came to completely it was Malkin. He had a glazed look in his eye and was over me that one mangled arm of his stretched out and the hand clamped around my throat and choking me.
The first thing that came to my mind was that I was going to lose the last person I had. I was going to lose Malkin. He was going to kill me. I remember thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. That I'd be with everyone I lost again. And then I was snapped out of that by the look of fear that suddenly passed over Malkin's face. That gave me the urge to fight. He was still there in some part, he just had problems fighting this. So I had to fight for him. I had to fight and get back at Slender Man for what he had done to my family. He was my prey I was going to kill him. Unable to break Malkin's grip with my hands I purposely fell out of bed and onto the floor rolling as I did. This thankfully loosened his grip and I got free. He was just perched on the edge of the bed looking at me, that blank expression on his face, his eyes glazed over. I was moving to get up when I was pushed back painfully on the ground. Malkin was over me and he was punching and grabbing at me. I pushed him off forcibly and pinned him to the ground, turned the tide on him so to say. I managed to get him wrapped in the bed sheets to help restrain him and tried to figure out what to do. He didn't even fight now. He just sat there in a trance, staring at me blankly. Now and then he'd try to fight against his restraints. I just watched uncertainly. I wasn't sure what I could do, all I knew is that if I didn't do anything, I'd lose Malkin, and then I’d truly be alone. I wasn't ready to lose another person I loved, so, what I did next was the only choice I had.
See, he had been fine until this infection hit his arm, this Proxifying substance or whatever the fuck it was. He had been fine until that injury, and everything seemed to stem from that arm. So the only choice I had was to remove it. It was either have Malkin lose his arm and hopefully get better, or for me to lose Malkin. I wasn't about to let the latter be the case so I did what I did in an act of desperation. I dragged Malkin into the kitchen still wrapped in the bed sheets I freed his arm and found the means to tie it to the leg of a table. He fought trying to get at me but did nothing otherwise. I searched through the cupboards an found a large cast iron cooking skillet. I turned the burner on the stove on and placed the pan on the burner to allow it to get hot. When I did this I'd need something to help stem the blood flow so he didn't bleed to death. The pan would act as a means of cauterization for the stump of his arm. I tied his circulation off at his shoulder and worked to try and restrain the arm as much as possible. I went and started looking through the closets for something to help with the removal. I managed to find a hand saw hidden away in the closet and decided that would have to work for the purpose I needed it for. I returned to the kitchen and looked to Malkin he was crying and he was fighting asking me repeatedly what was wrong and what happened.
“The arm's going” Was all I said and held up the saw. Malkin's eyes went wide and he started screaming and struggling and crying.
“We can go the the hospital! Please let's go to the hospital! I'll die! We can't do it here please!” He was struggling and trying to get control of the situation and get loose.
I shook my head and left. I went through the closest and chests again until I found something I thought would help. I found a bottle in the medicine cabinet. To think the whole time we'd been here and we had never looked in here. There were enough pills in there to keep someone sedated for a year or more. I grabbed some of the strongest I could find and moved back to where Malkin was, I got a glass of milk for him and moved to sit beside him. He was sniffling and sobbing.
“I'm not going to lose you. I refuse to. You're turning into Chastin. You're becoming a proxy. The arm has to go.” I pet the side of his cheek gently and kissed him “It'll be alright. I'll take care of you. I promise.”
“I'm not going to lose you. I refuse to. You're turning into Chastin. You're becoming a proxy. The arm has to go.” I pet the side of his cheek gently and kissed him “It'll be alright. I'll take care of you. I promise.”
“You're right,” He stammered and sniffled and I just held him close. “I'm scared Ai, I'm really scared, it'll hurt, I won't be able to not scream.”
“It's fine, love,” I said “I have something that will help you sleep through this.” I held up the bottle. “We'll go one at a time until you're out alright? I'll take care of you, I promise. I have a skillet heating up. It'll help stop the blood flow. I will NOT let you die. I swear to that.”
“I know you won't,” He looked at me with some semblance of a smile on his face and I held him close and fed him a couple pills and helped him drink them down with milk. I just held and rubbed his back and kissed him until he fell asleep, it took about a half an hour. When he was out and even the strongest shakes didn't wake him I set to work. There are some things in life that people never expect or want to have to do. This was one of mine. It took me time to calm my nerves for what I had to do. I removed Malkin's shirt, double checked my restraints on him and then... well... Nothing ever prepares someone for this. I think I was just sitting there with the saw in place for moments. And.. then I started. The sound of the blade as I sawed into Malkin's arm was horrifying, like the tearing and ripping of wet cloth, except this wasn't cloth, it was muscle. You know what was even more horrifying? When Malkin woke up and started screaming. I stopped immediately and tied his arm off to stave the blood flow and wrapped the blanket around his arm. I was in tears at this, I was scared. He was screaming and crying and asking me to stop that it hurt and all I could do was cry and feed him more pills. I had to keep going I had to muffle and gag him with his shirt but he still struggled. I had to work with him struggling and screaming through his gag for several minutes before he lost consciousness, either from the pain or from the medicine taking affect. The sound of a saw going through bone, the crunching crackling grinding noise it makes there's just no way you can just forget that. There's no way I can even try and forget it, Gods know I've tried. So very hard I've tried. And I still remember it. I still dream about it. It felt like it took forever but eventually the arm was removed and I grabbed the scalding hot skillet and there was a loud sizzling and the smell of seared flesh as I scalded and cauterized the wound. Blood and puss and black ooze was all over the floor. I untied Malkin and took him to the shower, undressed him and bathed him holding him close and keeping a close eye on him. I laid him on the couch as I worked to clean up the mess that was in the kitchen now thanks to what I had just done. I cleaned everything up and took the arm and all the bloody rags and everything and bagged it all and took it and threw it in the dumpster. After wards I took the a long hot shower and threw our clothes into the washer and moved Malkin to bed and kept an eye on him the rest of the night.
I've been doing pretty much that since. We've remained here and haven't left. I've been nervous and scared and worried. I'm afraid Malkin hates me for what I did. I did what needed to be done, right? If that's the case then why do I still feel like a monster? I feel like a terrible person. I just.. don't know anymore. I love him. I'm scared though... how can he return those feelings? To me? A monster. I took his arm off.
I feel like I'm somehow a failure. I was supposed to protect him... but look at this. Look at what I did. How can anyone love a monster like me. I'm not a protector. I'm far from it.
I don't even know where to go from here. I'm tempted to just.. go... leave everything here to Malkin and go. If I'm not here, he'll be safe, right? Or will he? I'm never certain anymore.
I made a small dinner for thanksgiving. Malkin said it was good. I don't know. I guess it might have been. I've just been so sleep deprived. I feel weak and like I'm going to crash any moment. I sleep, and I see those memories. The nightmares are terrible. Always nightmares. I just need to hold out a bit longer. Just a bit longer. And then Malkin will be safe, and then I'll go. I'll go and make sure Malkin's safe. He'll be safer without me. Just a matter of time.
Anyways enough of my going on and on. It's time for a short nap. Before Malkin wakes up and realizes I'm not in bed and starts yelling at me. I really do love him, he takes care of me. It's just gonna be hard to leave him. Or for him to really understand my reasons.
“It's fine, love,” I said “I have something that will help you sleep through this.” I held up the bottle. “We'll go one at a time until you're out alright? I'll take care of you, I promise. I have a skillet heating up. It'll help stop the blood flow. I will NOT let you die. I swear to that.”
“I know you won't,” He looked at me with some semblance of a smile on his face and I held him close and fed him a couple pills and helped him drink them down with milk. I just held and rubbed his back and kissed him until he fell asleep, it took about a half an hour. When he was out and even the strongest shakes didn't wake him I set to work. There are some things in life that people never expect or want to have to do. This was one of mine. It took me time to calm my nerves for what I had to do. I removed Malkin's shirt, double checked my restraints on him and then... well... Nothing ever prepares someone for this. I think I was just sitting there with the saw in place for moments. And.. then I started. The sound of the blade as I sawed into Malkin's arm was horrifying, like the tearing and ripping of wet cloth, except this wasn't cloth, it was muscle. You know what was even more horrifying? When Malkin woke up and started screaming. I stopped immediately and tied his arm off to stave the blood flow and wrapped the blanket around his arm. I was in tears at this, I was scared. He was screaming and crying and asking me to stop that it hurt and all I could do was cry and feed him more pills. I had to keep going I had to muffle and gag him with his shirt but he still struggled. I had to work with him struggling and screaming through his gag for several minutes before he lost consciousness, either from the pain or from the medicine taking affect. The sound of a saw going through bone, the crunching crackling grinding noise it makes there's just no way you can just forget that. There's no way I can even try and forget it, Gods know I've tried. So very hard I've tried. And I still remember it. I still dream about it. It felt like it took forever but eventually the arm was removed and I grabbed the scalding hot skillet and there was a loud sizzling and the smell of seared flesh as I scalded and cauterized the wound. Blood and puss and black ooze was all over the floor. I untied Malkin and took him to the shower, undressed him and bathed him holding him close and keeping a close eye on him. I laid him on the couch as I worked to clean up the mess that was in the kitchen now thanks to what I had just done. I cleaned everything up and took the arm and all the bloody rags and everything and bagged it all and took it and threw it in the dumpster. After wards I took the a long hot shower and threw our clothes into the washer and moved Malkin to bed and kept an eye on him the rest of the night.
I've been doing pretty much that since. We've remained here and haven't left. I've been nervous and scared and worried. I'm afraid Malkin hates me for what I did. I did what needed to be done, right? If that's the case then why do I still feel like a monster? I feel like a terrible person. I just.. don't know anymore. I love him. I'm scared though... how can he return those feelings? To me? A monster. I took his arm off.
I feel like I'm somehow a failure. I was supposed to protect him... but look at this. Look at what I did. How can anyone love a monster like me. I'm not a protector. I'm far from it.
I don't even know where to go from here. I'm tempted to just.. go... leave everything here to Malkin and go. If I'm not here, he'll be safe, right? Or will he? I'm never certain anymore.
I made a small dinner for thanksgiving. Malkin said it was good. I don't know. I guess it might have been. I've just been so sleep deprived. I feel weak and like I'm going to crash any moment. I sleep, and I see those memories. The nightmares are terrible. Always nightmares. I just need to hold out a bit longer. Just a bit longer. And then Malkin will be safe, and then I'll go. I'll go and make sure Malkin's safe. He'll be safer without me. Just a matter of time.
Anyways enough of my going on and on. It's time for a short nap. Before Malkin wakes up and realizes I'm not in bed and starts yelling at me. I really do love him, he takes care of me. It's just gonna be hard to leave him. Or for him to really understand my reasons.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Last Man Standing
I don't even know what to make of this. Any of this. It was, it was just supposed to be a small ritual. I've done this every year for the past several. Always with Brennon before... but now.... now it was just me. Malkin helped, but I know he didn't completely understand the importance of this for me. I don't think he saw or heard what I did... he probably didn't understand what was going on even, not... not until she showed up.
I guess... I guess I should start from the beginning... shouldn't I?
So, I did an ancestral spirit conjure for Samhain. Brennon and I always did it to speak with the ones we lost. Samhain is a time when the veils that separate the physical plane from the spirit plane are very thin and this it is easier for spirits to cross over and for us to communicate with them. It's a very sacred time to many on my path as it's a time to celebrate and remember those we lost and loved. And those that helped us find our path in life.
I went with every tradition I had always used. I made a very nice traditional meal. A beef roast, fresh homemade bread, and some seasonal vegetables. I cleansed the apartment with some white sage and lavender and started setting up small altars at the four directional points of the apartment. The aroma in the house was entrancing to say the least, all the scents melding together was quite magical. And really helped us relax. I talked to Malkin over the dinner about what I had planned and what I was going to do. I explained the ritual to him and what I wanted him to do. His part in it was pretty simple, just sit there and concentrate and lend me his energies. He agreed to it and we sat and relaxed a bit after dinner just talking about stuff. It was nice really. After all the excitement it was nice to have some downtime and just... well sit and talk with Malkin. No interruptions, no angst, no proxies and no one else in the apartment. Just he and I. So we enjoyed the time alone together. And after a while I prepped for the ritual. More incense and smudging. Then in the center of the points made myself comfortable on some pillows and blankets. With Malkin next to me I started the ritual. Started the concentration. Just like I had done every year since I had been with Brennon. We had always done it together. This year I was doing it alone. Just Malkin and myself.
So I started my concentration I felt myself feeding off the energy Malkin lent me. And then they came. Mom, Dad, Sam and Dean. They came together just showed up and I could feel their warm, loving embrace as their spirits circled me and wished me well and spoke of their happiness and their sorrow and their love. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't done this kind of Pagan ritual how it feels. You see and feel them but don't hear them. You communicate with the spirits through your thoughts and their feelings. You feel what they want to say instead of hearing it. Their visage appears to the caller(s) as a soft haze or a smoke. You feel them, you can smell them, and know their emotions. I had no idea why there was so much sorrow. I wish I could understand what it was that made them sad. I didn't and they didn't give me any feel of it. And as soon as I saw them and had felt them and 'heard' them, they were gone. And then Taben, Ryan and Brennon were there. And I think this is when the tears finally came. Brennon I could smell him as I had the last days we were together. I wanted to hold him and embrace him and I felt his warmth his scent and his feelings embraced me. His love and his worry. I know I was crying and I could feel myself calling his name and telling him out loud how much I loved him and how much I missed him and how I wanted to kill Andromeda for what she had done but that would be wrong. My gods having Brennon there again. And then I felt Taben and Ryan join him. Embrace me and try to help me. Taben always liked to pet my head and I could feel his hands combing through my hair. Ryan was there and silent. He was always silent, hanging back and watching. I tried to feel for Allen. Surely he'd have come with his parents. When I thought this I felt sadness from Taben. Allen wasn't there. What had happened to Allen that he'd not be here? He had been young; only nine, when Slendy took him. Yeah... His spirit had probably already moved on. And then I felt that Brennon and Taben were sad. So very sad. And I didn't understand. They didn't tell. They had to go. And I said my goodbyes. They'd move on, they wouldn't be here for me when I called on them again, their spirits were to move on and live again. And I felt them leaving. I was sobbing now. Calling to them. Telling them I loved them and I missed them and I'd see them in the next life. I could feel Malkin holding me to comfort me. And I starting letting go of my concentration. The ritual was done. Or so I thought it was. Then... then she showed up. And it ripped me apart. My calm disappeared.
I was just cuddled into Malkin and she was there. I couldn't quite place it, Cinnamon and spices? Warmth, love. I was her brother and she was so sorry that she had fallen prey to Him. Branwen. My little sister, Branwen. Only 19 years old. She was visiting me on my spirit call. My spirit call, meant for those who are dead. Not the living. Only the dead can come on this.
She had died. She had been killed. She had been hunted. She was gone. I was alone. Alone. So alone.
I started screaming screaming that I was going to kill slender Man. He had stolen my sister. He had stolen Branwen. Branwen. My sister. My dear loving sister. I loved her. And she's gone. My last family member is gone. She was with me through the start of this. And now she's gone. Gone. GONE! She'd dead. Dead and gone.
Malkin had to pin me down and calm me down. I had gone crazy. I still am crazy I guess. I lost my sister. My little sister. Now I'm alone. She was there through everything. And now she's gone.
Branwen. I love you my sis. I'm so sorry I couldn't save you. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
To everyone else. I'd like to say... my sister, Branwen, is gone. The Slender Man has taken her from this life. I'm so sorry, sis. I love you. I'm sorry I couldn't save you.
Malkin, I love you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I... I don't know if I can, but Gods be damned, I'm going to fight to keep you alive. I'm not going to let you die. I love you and you're all I have left.
I've been slack. I've been slack in what I've been doing. It's time to get back to work. It's time to start devising a plan and start fighting.
My name is Aiden Clarke.
I am being stalked by Slender Man. I have lost my family to Slender Man and his ilk. I won't lose anymore.
I guess... I guess I should start from the beginning... shouldn't I?
So, I did an ancestral spirit conjure for Samhain. Brennon and I always did it to speak with the ones we lost. Samhain is a time when the veils that separate the physical plane from the spirit plane are very thin and this it is easier for spirits to cross over and for us to communicate with them. It's a very sacred time to many on my path as it's a time to celebrate and remember those we lost and loved. And those that helped us find our path in life.
I went with every tradition I had always used. I made a very nice traditional meal. A beef roast, fresh homemade bread, and some seasonal vegetables. I cleansed the apartment with some white sage and lavender and started setting up small altars at the four directional points of the apartment. The aroma in the house was entrancing to say the least, all the scents melding together was quite magical. And really helped us relax. I talked to Malkin over the dinner about what I had planned and what I was going to do. I explained the ritual to him and what I wanted him to do. His part in it was pretty simple, just sit there and concentrate and lend me his energies. He agreed to it and we sat and relaxed a bit after dinner just talking about stuff. It was nice really. After all the excitement it was nice to have some downtime and just... well sit and talk with Malkin. No interruptions, no angst, no proxies and no one else in the apartment. Just he and I. So we enjoyed the time alone together. And after a while I prepped for the ritual. More incense and smudging. Then in the center of the points made myself comfortable on some pillows and blankets. With Malkin next to me I started the ritual. Started the concentration. Just like I had done every year since I had been with Brennon. We had always done it together. This year I was doing it alone. Just Malkin and myself.
So I started my concentration I felt myself feeding off the energy Malkin lent me. And then they came. Mom, Dad, Sam and Dean. They came together just showed up and I could feel their warm, loving embrace as their spirits circled me and wished me well and spoke of their happiness and their sorrow and their love. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't done this kind of Pagan ritual how it feels. You see and feel them but don't hear them. You communicate with the spirits through your thoughts and their feelings. You feel what they want to say instead of hearing it. Their visage appears to the caller(s) as a soft haze or a smoke. You feel them, you can smell them, and know their emotions. I had no idea why there was so much sorrow. I wish I could understand what it was that made them sad. I didn't and they didn't give me any feel of it. And as soon as I saw them and had felt them and 'heard' them, they were gone. And then Taben, Ryan and Brennon were there. And I think this is when the tears finally came. Brennon I could smell him as I had the last days we were together. I wanted to hold him and embrace him and I felt his warmth his scent and his feelings embraced me. His love and his worry. I know I was crying and I could feel myself calling his name and telling him out loud how much I loved him and how much I missed him and how I wanted to kill Andromeda for what she had done but that would be wrong. My gods having Brennon there again. And then I felt Taben and Ryan join him. Embrace me and try to help me. Taben always liked to pet my head and I could feel his hands combing through my hair. Ryan was there and silent. He was always silent, hanging back and watching. I tried to feel for Allen. Surely he'd have come with his parents. When I thought this I felt sadness from Taben. Allen wasn't there. What had happened to Allen that he'd not be here? He had been young; only nine, when Slendy took him. Yeah... His spirit had probably already moved on. And then I felt that Brennon and Taben were sad. So very sad. And I didn't understand. They didn't tell. They had to go. And I said my goodbyes. They'd move on, they wouldn't be here for me when I called on them again, their spirits were to move on and live again. And I felt them leaving. I was sobbing now. Calling to them. Telling them I loved them and I missed them and I'd see them in the next life. I could feel Malkin holding me to comfort me. And I starting letting go of my concentration. The ritual was done. Or so I thought it was. Then... then she showed up. And it ripped me apart. My calm disappeared.
I was just cuddled into Malkin and she was there. I couldn't quite place it, Cinnamon and spices? Warmth, love. I was her brother and she was so sorry that she had fallen prey to Him. Branwen. My little sister, Branwen. Only 19 years old. She was visiting me on my spirit call. My spirit call, meant for those who are dead. Not the living. Only the dead can come on this.
She had died. She had been killed. She had been hunted. She was gone. I was alone. Alone. So alone.
I started screaming screaming that I was going to kill slender Man. He had stolen my sister. He had stolen Branwen. Branwen. My sister. My dear loving sister. I loved her. And she's gone. My last family member is gone. She was with me through the start of this. And now she's gone. Gone. GONE! She'd dead. Dead and gone.
Malkin had to pin me down and calm me down. I had gone crazy. I still am crazy I guess. I lost my sister. My little sister. Now I'm alone. She was there through everything. And now she's gone.
Branwen. I love you my sis. I'm so sorry I couldn't save you. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
To everyone else. I'd like to say... my sister, Branwen, is gone. The Slender Man has taken her from this life. I'm so sorry, sis. I love you. I'm sorry I couldn't save you.
Malkin, I love you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I... I don't know if I can, but Gods be damned, I'm going to fight to keep you alive. I'm not going to let you die. I love you and you're all I have left.
I've been slack. I've been slack in what I've been doing. It's time to get back to work. It's time to start devising a plan and start fighting.
My name is Aiden Clarke.
I am being stalked by Slender Man. I have lost my family to Slender Man and his ilk. I won't lose anymore.
I am a fighter.
Slender Man, I swear to the Gods above. I will kill you. Even if it means you take my life.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Worried Sick
I've been worried sick since Branwen's left to go after Casey. I miss little sis and I'm worried to hell about her. Before that we had gotten her calmed down. We were joking, having fun, enjoying ourselves. And then Casey just left, disappeared. And Bran panicked. I tried to calm her down and get Todd's help to calm her down. And then... they were gone. They left. Bran didn't want to lose her best friend, Todd didn't want another to die.
and they were gone. And I have been worried since. It's been almost a week. I haven't heard anything from them. I've called, and called and called and called some more. Nothing. Busy? Stuck in Morrigan's hands? Or are they.... no. Can't think of that. Todd's there. He won't let that happen.
Hah, it's almost 6am. Malkin's prolly pissed. I never came to bed. I just haven't been able to sleep very well or very long since Bran's been gone. I miss her. I miss everyone. She and Malkin are all I have. All the family left in this world. I don't want to lose them. Ever. I'd rather die than lose them.
Anyways, Samhein's getting close. I'm working on prepping for it. Finding places to get supplies has been pretty easy. There's a decent abundance of new age stores here. I'm going to go to the grocer the day of Samhein and get fresh food for the feast. Plans are to do a small ritual that Brennon and I used to always do together for it. Malkin's gonna kinda help, at least be supportive in helping me set things up. We need to rearrange things here in the den some but we'll make it work. Don't know what I'd do without him. I'd be lost for sure. Now all he has to do is start putting a little trust and faith in me. Let me know when shit goes down so I can be there as support.
Dammit Mal, just dammit. Take care of yourself... and let me know what's going on.
Yeah. Between Malkin's arm, Slender Man, Chastin the Proxy, and Branwen, I'm pretty damned worried. But fuck it. I'll get through this. We'll all pull through. Bran promised me she'd be back for Yule. She doesn't break promises.
I can't wait. A happy family Yule part, and then a happy New Year's Eve party. New Years Eve. I'll be 22. It'll have been a year since all this shit started... Dammit... I can't believe it's been so long. Feels like just yesterday.
I love you Brennon. I'll see you on Samhein.
and they were gone. And I have been worried since. It's been almost a week. I haven't heard anything from them. I've called, and called and called and called some more. Nothing. Busy? Stuck in Morrigan's hands? Or are they.... no. Can't think of that. Todd's there. He won't let that happen.
Hah, it's almost 6am. Malkin's prolly pissed. I never came to bed. I just haven't been able to sleep very well or very long since Bran's been gone. I miss her. I miss everyone. She and Malkin are all I have. All the family left in this world. I don't want to lose them. Ever. I'd rather die than lose them.
Anyways, Samhein's getting close. I'm working on prepping for it. Finding places to get supplies has been pretty easy. There's a decent abundance of new age stores here. I'm going to go to the grocer the day of Samhein and get fresh food for the feast. Plans are to do a small ritual that Brennon and I used to always do together for it. Malkin's gonna kinda help, at least be supportive in helping me set things up. We need to rearrange things here in the den some but we'll make it work. Don't know what I'd do without him. I'd be lost for sure. Now all he has to do is start putting a little trust and faith in me. Let me know when shit goes down so I can be there as support.
Dammit Mal, just dammit. Take care of yourself... and let me know what's going on.
Yeah. Between Malkin's arm, Slender Man, Chastin the Proxy, and Branwen, I'm pretty damned worried. But fuck it. I'll get through this. We'll all pull through. Bran promised me she'd be back for Yule. She doesn't break promises.
I can't wait. A happy family Yule part, and then a happy New Year's Eve party. New Years Eve. I'll be 22. It'll have been a year since all this shit started... Dammit... I can't believe it's been so long. Feels like just yesterday.
I love you Brennon. I'll see you on Samhein.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
An update on Brandy
She's been found. I just got off the phone with the authorities covering her case. She's in Maine. They have her in the hospital. She was found at the bottom of a cliff face in Acadia National Park. She was alive but the trauma she sustained points towards her wither jumping or being thrown from the cliff. Despite the severity of the accusations she seems to be in goof health. The doctors are surprised she's doing so well. And all signs seem to be pointing towards this being the doing of her husband/ex-husband, who they are currently on a man hunt for. Hopefully they find the bastard and put him where he belongs... some reason though, I'm not so sure about this. I want to say there's more to it knowing how we're all involved and connected.
Anyways we're trying to get all her stuff packed up and boxed up and sent out to Maine. Constance has been kind enough to agree to take her in and help her out. We feel she'd be better protected with her than out here where we have to worry about the possibility of proxies. So that's a big weight off my shoulders to know she's safe... well for the most part anyways. She's in good hands, and that's what matters most.
For the time being it's making sure Todd/Alex, Casey and Bran are safe and well. We're all just watching shows, hanging out and just enjoying the time together. I've been working out plans in the meantime for my Samhein ritual. Every year I'll call to the spirits from my past family who've left me. It was something Brennon and I did together. This year I'll be on my own... unless of course Malkin would want to participate but that's a lot to learn and understand in a short time. I... hope to see my parents, my brother and sister, Taben and Brennon. I love him. I miss him. And he's the reason I keep fighting. He and Taben both. So this year on Samhein, I will do a ritual especially for Taben and Brennon.
I guess that's it. I'll let it go here. besides, i want to get breakfast started. Had some good plans for everyone. get them a good breakfast and then we're going to the zoo. We need an outing.
Anyways we're trying to get all her stuff packed up and boxed up and sent out to Maine. Constance has been kind enough to agree to take her in and help her out. We feel she'd be better protected with her than out here where we have to worry about the possibility of proxies. So that's a big weight off my shoulders to know she's safe... well for the most part anyways. She's in good hands, and that's what matters most.
For the time being it's making sure Todd/Alex, Casey and Bran are safe and well. We're all just watching shows, hanging out and just enjoying the time together. I've been working out plans in the meantime for my Samhein ritual. Every year I'll call to the spirits from my past family who've left me. It was something Brennon and I did together. This year I'll be on my own... unless of course Malkin would want to participate but that's a lot to learn and understand in a short time. I... hope to see my parents, my brother and sister, Taben and Brennon. I love him. I miss him. And he's the reason I keep fighting. He and Taben both. So this year on Samhein, I will do a ritual especially for Taben and Brennon.
I guess that's it. I'll let it go here. besides, i want to get breakfast started. Had some good plans for everyone. get them a good breakfast and then we're going to the zoo. We need an outing.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
A losing battle
Branwen, Casey and Todd are here. We're trying to get them settled in. Malkin's been wonderful with helping out. I tink we got things pretty much situated. Food's been served and we're sitting them down to movie night. Happy fluffy Disney movies. Try to get them cheered up a bit. We're gonna have a personal wake for Seth and Skyler. Gods I can't believe their gone. We're losing people one by one. We all know that we can't do much through all this, but... yeah. Dammit. I've admittedly been clinging to Bran, I can't let her go. I'm scared to death of loosing her. Her and Todd and Malkin are the last of my family. I lost My parents. I lost Sam and Dean. I lost Brennon. I lost Taben and Ryan. Allen... my Gods Allen never got a chance to live.. Eight years old and we lost him. And this is why I fight... and yet I haven't been fighting. I don't even know where to start to try and fight. I just don't want to lose anyone else. I don't want anyone to lose anyone else. I think that's all the rest of this evening will consist of. Sitting on the couch with Branwen and Malkin on either side of me. Holding them close and cherishing my family as much as I can. I don't know how much more time I have with them.
I love you guys. I really do. We'll get though this. We'll get through. We have each other.
I love you guys. I really do. We'll get though this. We'll get through. We have each other.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Confusion.
It's an ever flowing state of my mind lately. I'm confused. Lost and uncertain. Brandy's still missing. We have no clue where she is. It's like she just disappeared. We filed a missing person's report. Kicker here? Her husband/ex-husband/whatever the fuck he is. Is missing as well. But it doesn't makes sense how he could know she was here, and why she'd leave willingly with the fucker. And why she wouldn't take her crutches or the wheel chair. I keep wanting to go off on a whim and say that this is the fault of a 'higher power'. Or whatever the fuck you want to call it. I'm sick of this. I'm sick and tiered of loosing everything.
Branwen, where the fuck are you and why aren't you answering your phone?! Where are you sis?! You better fucking be safe! You'd better be safe.
I feel like I'm slipping. Back into that old state. I'm trying to fight to stay out of it. But I'm failing. I'm tempted to go and find Constance... or let her help me get to her. Get away... I don't know. I'm so confused. I don't know where to go or who to look to. I just know I'm confused and just want answers. And the answers aren't coming. I've no clue anymore. No clue. At the same time, I can't keep sitting here waiting to be saved. I need to fight. And so fight I shall.
Branwen, where the fuck are you and why aren't you answering your phone?! Where are you sis?! You better fucking be safe! You'd better be safe.
I feel like I'm slipping. Back into that old state. I'm trying to fight to stay out of it. But I'm failing. I'm tempted to go and find Constance... or let her help me get to her. Get away... I don't know. I'm so confused. I don't know where to go or who to look to. I just know I'm confused and just want answers. And the answers aren't coming. I've no clue anymore. No clue. At the same time, I can't keep sitting here waiting to be saved. I need to fight. And so fight I shall.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Brandy's missing
We all went to bed last night but when we woke it was just Malkin and me. We figured Brandy was still in the room asleep so we let her go. We made breakfast then went in to wake her. She wasn't there. Nothing was missing or taken. No signs of a struggle. She's just... Gone. I have no clue what's going on or where she could have gone. She's still in a cast and can't walk or move without crutches or a wheelchair. She'd been using KK's old chair around the house here. We've been looking all over. There's only so much we can do. Her laptop's still here so we've been trying to think through her security password to gain access to see if there's anything hidden on it. I feel like an ass to have to do this, but I'm at a loss of what else we can do. I'm worried, and a bit scared. I just hope she's alright.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Lack of Updates
I'd like to first of all, apologize for y lack of updates. We're all here, and we're.. for the most part well. Brandy's been keeping to herself again since the incident with Chastin. I've been worried to death about Derek and wondering about KK. Or... Blight. Or whatever the hell she calls herself. She was never really truly my partner but I did care about her. I'd like to think that... it meant something. I meant something. And I just don't know what to do. I keep hoping that Derek will contact me like he did Brandy. But he hasn't. I've been working to take care of Brandy and Malkin. We're keeping things together here. Malkin and I have talked at length about.. a lot of stuff. And, well yeah... you have that.
He's been upset but he's getting through pretty well. He's strong like that. I respect that of him. I wish I had more that I could say but honestly, other than finding out more about Chastin's decent into crazy world there's nothing to say really.
Branwen? Guys? Where have you been? You said you were coming to Oregon? Like a while ago. Where are you? I've been trying to call repeatedly and it's kike someone answers but then it's just, static. Please tell me you guys are alright. Please? Please. I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you guys... Please be alright. I love you sis. Please be safe.
He's been upset but he's getting through pretty well. He's strong like that. I respect that of him. I wish I had more that I could say but honestly, other than finding out more about Chastin's decent into crazy world there's nothing to say really.
Branwen? Guys? Where have you been? You said you were coming to Oregon? Like a while ago. Where are you? I've been trying to call repeatedly and it's kike someone answers but then it's just, static. Please tell me you guys are alright. Please? Please. I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you guys... Please be alright. I love you sis. Please be safe.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
#27- Seeking Solace
Eternal winter in the heart
Doubt seeks warmth beside me
Impossible to stall the seconds
Saturate the self in silence
Serve the heart
The ties that bind
This spirit seeking solace
3.5x2.5 Watercolors, Micron pens and gouache
on illustration boardThings are calming down here. I've been helping Brandy open up and be a part of the group... well the group that's just her, Chas, Mal and myself. There's been a lot going on, well not a lot but a lot. I won't divulge too much. The biggest thing I'm going to cover is this picture here. This card. part of my challenge. Seeking Solace.
This came from a dream. And it's been bothering me for a while now, even more so since what happened to Derek happened. I had been becoming increasingly more tense and frustrated and upset. A day or so after Malkin and Chastin had come to stay here, Malkin approached me.
He'd been playing video games when he finally approached me. I was so engulfed in what I was needing to do that the poke in the side I received took me completely by surprise and I looked at him. He looked worried, maybe concerned. A bit afraid. It worried me.
"What's up?" I finally asked frowning with worry. "Are you alright?" I stuttered as I noticed the clock and the time. It was after two in the afternoon. I'd forgotten lunch. "Err shit... I'm late on starting lunch.. sorry just got... side tracked." I hurried to get my stuff cleaned up and go get something of lunch started. Malkin stopped me placing a hand on my shoulder.
"Wait... it isn't that. I just wanted to..." He hesitated slightly "Well, know if you were alright. You seem like something's upsetting you, and I know a lot of bad things have happened over the last couple of days so... I dunno." He looked at his feet. "I was just worried about you." I paused and looked to Malkin. He was worried and bothered. Because of me? And he blamed me for worrying too much.
"I don't know, I just have a lot on my mind is all." I started, yeah there's a lot on my mind the thing bothering most was what had happened with Derek, and this card I had made. "With Derek and all... and just some other things." I sighed and sat down heavily in my chair again and pointed to the chair beside me. "Sit down and... and look at this. I... I had finished it a couple days before what happened had happened." I rustled through my stuff and pulled out one of my recently finished challenge cards. The card that's here at the top of this post. I pushed it towards Malkin in it's protective sleeve. "I had a dream about it. So I drew it. What do you make of it, because I have no clue how to take this." He studied the card for a little while thoughtfully before speaking.
"All I can really say is that it's disturbing." He frowned stuttering slightly a shiver washing over his body. "When I see it, it reminds me of my encounter with... Him... last weekend. But you say you dreamed this before what happened to Derek?" He shook his head. "I don't know."
"Yeah, a couple days before." I sighed shaking my head. "It's been bothering me, and I'm angry for not saying anything to them. I didn't think it meant anything though. It's just really frustrating. I think it's related somehow though. I remember this figure being KK... but not... if that makes sense. I don't know. She was still out cold at the time. I didn't think anything of it. I wish i had. Derek might be sace. I will never forgive myself if he dies."
"I don't blame you for ignoring it," Malkin frowned. "It was just a dream after all, and how could you know what would eventually happen?"
"Because, other things have." I frowned looking away ashamed of myself now.
"Don't blame yourself for what happened," he put his hand on mine comfortingly. I felt my skin prickle with seeming excitement at the contact and was instantly thankful for his touch and part of me was longing to tell him... other things that were on my mind. "Derek will get better. I know it's probably hard to trust Andromeda, but I'm sure she knows what she's doing." And like that the sensation I was feeling disappeared and I was angry.
"She killed Brennon and Taben! Of course it's hard to trust her! I thought you hated her and were as untrusting of her as I was?!" I couldn't control my anger and I pulled away from his touch glaring at him. "Who's to say she won't rip him to pieces and eat his innards?!" I think his calmness pissed me off even more as he spoke. And at the same time I wanted to just pull him into a hug and kiss him in the most passionate and appreciative way I could. God dammit he knew how to play me.
"You're right, I do hate her. But right now she's probably the only hope Derek has." He leaned back in his chair and sighed. "What else can we do but trust her?" I sighed calming down.
"Yeah I know, it's just hard."I shook my head, more to try and push away the desires and emotions that were overtaking me than for any other reason. "I'm just... yeah I have a lot on my mind. I've a lot of responsibility right now. I have you guys here and now Brandy. I wish I could get her to calm down and open up to us. I'm worried that she's so uncomfortable and hiding away so much."
"I know what you mean," Malkin said with a nod. "I don't want to bother her though. She's been through a lot. Don't worry about it, Ai. She'll come around when she's ready." I nodded and looked to him worried now.
"What about you though," I frowned. "You've been pretty quiet, how are you doing?"
"As well as anyone can do when they're missing fingers and their arm is a mutilated hunk of meat." He managed a half hearted laugh. "It's been interesting trying to play video games with all these bandages on my arm and only three fingers. At least I only lost ones I rarely use. I'm mostly doing my best to see the brighter side of things." I wanted to kiss him for that. It proved the point I'd been thinking of all a long. It took everything to keep myself from doing it too. I was smiling like an idiot I'm sure.
"That's the best weapon in the situation we're in," I said the smile still prominent. "Well, second best at least."
"What's the best?" He asked as he readjusted his arm and looked up to me with a curious smile.
I hesitated and felt my face go red with embarrassment, afraid of admitting to him how I felt, admitting what I wanted to say. I quickly diffused the subject by changing the subject.
"You hungry," I asked. simple and to the point. And I went to the kitchen so he couldn't see the tension and embarrassment as much.
"A littl," He frowned and grimaced at the thought. "The pain meds might make me puke if I eat anything though.
"What meds are you on?" I asked "I may know a remedy to help it... or I'll make something that won't bother you as much. You need to eat, babe. We can't have you starving yourself." I paused as I noticed my slip and flushed a deeper red. I hesitated before asking almost nervously. "When will Chastin be back? Is he going to be back in time for dinner?" He looked at the clock, he didn't seem to notice my slip, or that's how it seemed anyways.
"What meds are you on?" I asked "I may know a remedy to help it... or I'll make something that won't bother you as much. You need to eat, babe. We can't have you starving yourself." I paused as I noticed my slip and flushed a deeper red. I hesitated before asking almost nervously. "When will Chastin be back? Is he going to be back in time for dinner?" He looked at the clock, he didn't seem to notice my slip, or that's how it seemed anyways.
"He said he was going to be working late tonight." He said, "As for me I'll eat a little but I'm sure I can only eat soup." I shrugged and nodded and took his word for it and started working on making a can of soup for him.
"He's been working late a lot," I said the suspicion strong in my voice. "Are you sure he's... well... sorry....nevermind. You'd know him best I guess." I felt stupid and angry fro even suggesting to him thath is boyfriend was a proxy. That's the perfect way to get someone to trust me.
"It's alright," he said with a shrug. "I understand your concern. I just... I don't think we need to be fighting amongst ourselves right now." He sighed heavily. I wanted to move over and just hug him and comfort him and... well a lot of other stuff as well. I don't know what's going on with me anymore. Why I feel this way. But then again. Love is the strongest weapon that we have against Slender Man. And Malkin is a sweet person, good looking. caring. all the qualities..... but.. that's a different story for a different day.... I'm explaining this card. Right. Lots of stuff coming back to mind recalling this. my apologies for that. I've been extremely emotionally charged lately. Anyways.. where was I.... oh right. I made Malkin soup. And we talked. and I continued to fight my desire to just hug and kiss him and give him all the attention that Chastin didn't give him anymore and... well yeah. I finally divulged a lot of feelings and emotions to him. But what he wishes to reveal in regards to that I'll leave completely up to him.
"He's been working late a lot," I said the suspicion strong in my voice. "Are you sure he's... well... sorry....nevermind. You'd know him best I guess." I felt stupid and angry fro even suggesting to him thath is boyfriend was a proxy. That's the perfect way to get someone to trust me.
"It's alright," he said with a shrug. "I understand your concern. I just... I don't think we need to be fighting amongst ourselves right now." He sighed heavily. I wanted to move over and just hug him and comfort him and... well a lot of other stuff as well. I don't know what's going on with me anymore. Why I feel this way. But then again. Love is the strongest weapon that we have against Slender Man. And Malkin is a sweet person, good looking. caring. all the qualities..... but.. that's a different story for a different day.... I'm explaining this card. Right. Lots of stuff coming back to mind recalling this. my apologies for that. I've been extremely emotionally charged lately. Anyways.. where was I.... oh right. I made Malkin soup. And we talked. and I continued to fight my desire to just hug and kiss him and give him all the attention that Chastin didn't give him anymore and... well yeah. I finally divulged a lot of feelings and emotions to him. But what he wishes to reveal in regards to that I'll leave completely up to him.
Anyways in other news, If anyone saw the post Brandy made yesterday? This one right here? See the comment? Yeah, Malkin saw me screaming with joy when Brandy pointed it out to me. I think that's the kicker and what we needed to get us out of the awkward silence. We've been talking and interacting. She's been a lot more talkative and trying to fit in. I explained everything to her and just worked to help her out and stuff. She's a very sweet and quiet girl. She just needs time, and we all needed something to bring us together and get us talking.
The best part? Derek's alive. That has me happy. So very happy. I feel relieved and excited and I'm anxious. I want to see him and know he's safe. I'm also a bit flustered. But I can understand why he commented there instead of e-mailing me or something. He's alive. We're all good. And there's just more proof. Love... it's a very strong weapon. And we have it.
I'm a fighter. My weapon is hope and love. I'll keep fighting till the day He takes me down. And that won't be for a long time.
The best part? Derek's alive. That has me happy. So very happy. I feel relieved and excited and I'm anxious. I want to see him and know he's safe. I'm also a bit flustered. But I can understand why he commented there instead of e-mailing me or something. He's alive. We're all good. And there's just more proof. Love... it's a very strong weapon. And we have it.
I'm a fighter. My weapon is hope and love. I'll keep fighting till the day He takes me down. And that won't be for a long time.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
The Devil Went Down to Portland
I had just stepped out. I was just getting groceries for diner. We'd been so worried with the way KK had been since she woke. I guess the worry was really something to be concerned about. I mean, for love of the Gods, she started walking with no problem as soon as she woke. Looking at her blog entry she made, she took a gun shot to the stomach like it was nothing.
Maybe I should go back and explain how it happened. How it all went down. As I said, I had just run down the street to the grocer for some stuff for dinner. I came back home from the run and entered the apartment. It was a mess. Things were missing, now that I've had tme to cool and calm down to some degree, I realize it's all of KK's weapons. The place was also a mess. And.. then I found Derek. And I lost it. I could hardly contain my fear and was afraid to get to close or I'd hurt him more and afraid that if I weren't close enough he'd die without knowing how I really feel. I love you Derek. I really do. And I'm sorry this happened.
Next thing I know there's this woman hovering over us. Scared the shit out of me. How she just appeared from nowhere. Then I realized who it was. It was Andromeda. I should have turned and killed her. Hell I probably would have. She just watched, the look on her face. Pity? Worry? I don't know. She kneeled over Derek. She seemed very sincere. "Let me take him, I can save his life." Ans she picked him up. And started to leave. And then I started screaming.
"I'm supposed to trust you?! How the fuck do you expect me to trust YOU. Of everyone on this planet I hat you more than anyone else. I want you to die more than anyone else. I want to see you fry in hell and I want to see you tortured and cut to pieces and killed slowly. You took my husband away from me! He was my life! How do I know you won't do the same to Derek?! I love him! I LOVE HIM! I swear to the Gods above if you kill him, take him from me as well, the it is on. I will find you and I will fucking KILL you!"
She moved and retrieved his hand from the floor and looked to me. "I'm afraid I can't waste time talking to you, dear. Mr. Collins here is about to die, and if I'm to save him I need to get to work immediately. Don't you worry, though. He'll be quite safe." And then they were gone. And I was left here.
I've been trying to keep an optimistic view on this. Derek will be safe. I'll have him back. I'll have him here. won't I? I hope. It's empty here. I feel alone. they're both gone and I'm again alone. I've been cleaning and trying to just keep my mind on the thought that they'll be back. They're just out. KK had a doctor's appointment. Yeah, that's it. I've been cleaning up and then I found this note. From KK. "Aiden can have all our shit." just scrawled and signed by her. I'm so confused. And scared. It's almost like I'm right back to where I started. I'm trying to keep my mind to the future. But all I can think of that keeps me going is the fact that we're all fucked. I knew this was coming. I need to take things as they come. We've seen the Slender Man, ad all we can know for sure is that in the end we're going to die. So let's make the most of it until we do. I said it before. I'm a fighter now, not a runner. I'll figure out what to do about this and see about moving this place to my name and taking charge. I'm still alive, Derek's going to be safe. I'll see him again. We'll be find.
I love you Brennon. I love you Derek. Love will keep us alive. It's the best weapon we have anymore. Let's use it to the fullest.
Maybe I should go back and explain how it happened. How it all went down. As I said, I had just run down the street to the grocer for some stuff for dinner. I came back home from the run and entered the apartment. It was a mess. Things were missing, now that I've had tme to cool and calm down to some degree, I realize it's all of KK's weapons. The place was also a mess. And.. then I found Derek. And I lost it. I could hardly contain my fear and was afraid to get to close or I'd hurt him more and afraid that if I weren't close enough he'd die without knowing how I really feel. I love you Derek. I really do. And I'm sorry this happened.
Next thing I know there's this woman hovering over us. Scared the shit out of me. How she just appeared from nowhere. Then I realized who it was. It was Andromeda. I should have turned and killed her. Hell I probably would have. She just watched, the look on her face. Pity? Worry? I don't know. She kneeled over Derek. She seemed very sincere. "Let me take him, I can save his life." Ans she picked him up. And started to leave. And then I started screaming.
"I'm supposed to trust you?! How the fuck do you expect me to trust YOU. Of everyone on this planet I hat you more than anyone else. I want you to die more than anyone else. I want to see you fry in hell and I want to see you tortured and cut to pieces and killed slowly. You took my husband away from me! He was my life! How do I know you won't do the same to Derek?! I love him! I LOVE HIM! I swear to the Gods above if you kill him, take him from me as well, the it is on. I will find you and I will fucking KILL you!"
She moved and retrieved his hand from the floor and looked to me. "I'm afraid I can't waste time talking to you, dear. Mr. Collins here is about to die, and if I'm to save him I need to get to work immediately. Don't you worry, though. He'll be quite safe." And then they were gone. And I was left here.
I've been trying to keep an optimistic view on this. Derek will be safe. I'll have him back. I'll have him here. won't I? I hope. It's empty here. I feel alone. they're both gone and I'm again alone. I've been cleaning and trying to just keep my mind on the thought that they'll be back. They're just out. KK had a doctor's appointment. Yeah, that's it. I've been cleaning up and then I found this note. From KK. "Aiden can have all our shit." just scrawled and signed by her. I'm so confused. And scared. It's almost like I'm right back to where I started. I'm trying to keep my mind to the future. But all I can think of that keeps me going is the fact that we're all fucked. I knew this was coming. I need to take things as they come. We've seen the Slender Man, ad all we can know for sure is that in the end we're going to die. So let's make the most of it until we do. I said it before. I'm a fighter now, not a runner. I'll figure out what to do about this and see about moving this place to my name and taking charge. I'm still alive, Derek's going to be safe. I'll see him again. We'll be find.
I love you Brennon. I love you Derek. Love will keep us alive. It's the best weapon we have anymore. Let's use it to the fullest.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Been a bit...
It's been a bit I know, and I'm sorry. I've been... busy. And a bit uncertain with a lot. Things are straitened out now though. Derek and I have been keeping watch on KK and making sure she's safe. When not watching her... we've been spending time together. I finally came out and told him my feelings. I... to say I was relieved that he returned them was an understatement. I don't know why I was so afraid but I was. Live in the moment. We've been spending time together and just getting to know one another on a deeper more personal and... intimate level. It has helped both of us and relieve some of the stress that we have been feeling due to the current circumstances. I'm worried to death for KK, we both are, but there's nothing we can do for her until she awakens. We have no idea when that will happen. I've been trying to talk to Derek about having a visiting doctor to come and check on her. We're both uncertain about it though. I'm not sure what to make of it all. I'm worried about KK, Derek's worried and now I'm a rambling idiot. I just want her to wake up and be alright. I swear to the Gods above if she wakes up I'll be so happy, I think she'd probably get more than what she bargained for from both myself and Derek. Heh... I've been drinking... It's been tasty and I'm a bit wonky due to the drink. such a light weight... heh. Derek's gonna enjoy me tonight I guess. I should go and do stuff... oh dinner i need to get dinner done and check on KK and on Derek and stuff.
Also need to figure when we'll be able to get with Malkin and Chastin. Won't be able to do it until KK wakes. Maybe she'll wake up soon. I guess we'll see. Just didn't want people to think I was dead. Quite the opposite actually. I'm quite alive and feeling good.
Also need to figure when we'll be able to get with Malkin and Chastin. Won't be able to do it until KK wakes. Maybe she'll wake up soon. I guess we'll see. Just didn't want people to think I was dead. Quite the opposite actually. I'm quite alive and feeling good.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
#29 - Love
"But who cares cause my heart is a dark force
to be reckoned with
she took it and ripped it apart
opened it and shredded it
never give love to a pretty girl with a negative outlook
there's no such thing as a friend no benefits
so sweet so elegant, so weak, so intelligent
I forget like the night is my last night
and the past nights mean nothing
so I lose my composure
lost in space cause my worlds over"
3.5x2.5 micron pens,watercolors
and gouache on Illustration board
Love.... it's a really interesting emotion. At first it's this great energizing feeling, then it's agonizing pain when you lose a love that's been part of your life for so long. Brennon was my life, my love. And for the longest time I have felt betrayal for how I am beginning to feel. I've been scared, and worried and uncomfortable. I've felt guilty and angry and a mix of other emotions. I loved Brennon. He was my life. He's gone. And he'd want me to move on. And.. so I shall.
KK and Derek have been wonderful to me. They took me in, they saved me. I had a dream, since all this shit started I had a dream. I was with Derek and KK and we were just... together and laughing and happy. It was just a gorgeous dream. It speaks what I feel in my heart. I thought I was confused, uncertain and just scared of being alone. Then I analyzed the situation. It wasn't that at all. I ran back here as soon as I saw KK's post. I was scared shitless she was going to do to herself what I had wanted her to do to me. I got back and just... I don't know anymore. I had come to terms with what I had felt. I had come to terms with Brennon's death. I'd come to terms that everyone around me that's stuck in this mess is going to die. I'm accepting of this. Bit... not yet. Not KK. Not this soon. I want a chance to tell them. Talk to them. Be with them. I don't give a damned if the time we have is limited. I just want them to know. And I know it's what Brennon would want me to do.
He'd want me to be happy. He'd want me to live my life. And that's what I'm doing. I'm going to live.
I'm here at home with KK and Derek. I'm happy. I'm home. And this is where I want to stay.
I love you guys... KK, Derek, if you read this, I love you. Brennon would want me happy. You guys make me happy. We'll live and die through this together. I'm not leaving. You can't make me.
I love you.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Closure
Closure, it's something I've not had much of since Brennon's death. It's been... well it's been a while... a couple weeks? three weeks? I've lost track of time and it's all just kind of mushed together into on mix of everything. I decided to take the weekend and get out, take time at some parks and just remember Brennon and try to find some sort of closure in all of this. So I decided I'd get away from the house, let Derek and KK have time to themselves and do my own thing and have some time to myself to figure it all out. First though I had to talk to KK. Only polite to let them know I'm leaving, right? The conversation didn't really... help much and left me wondering and has brought me to realize I've a lot more to think over.
I had spend most of the morning gathering up my stuff and packing things up. I was fully packed and ready so I decided finally to face KK. Now she's been pretty quiet since I've been here and it's rare we really interact. I've learned she likes her solitude and let her have it and just surf the web and play games. I figured I should give some notice before I left, I wanted her to know I wasn't just abandoning her either. She was sitting in the living room just staring out the window when I walked in to speak to her.
"Uh... KK?" I asked almost hesitantly.
"What?" Her voice was quiet, and flat. I was used to it, it's how she usually spoke."I... I need to get out for a bit, so, I was going to stay at a hotel.. just for a bit. If you don't mind?" I was really hesitant, I didn't want to offend her I had really appreciated everything she'd done for me in the past week or so. I'd somehow grown fond of them and didn't want to hurt either of them. Maybe... maybe that's one of the reasons I needed to go...
"It's your life. Why should I care what you're doing?" Her voice was still flat and emotionless.
"You've been nice enough to house me and..." I stuttered trying to find the words, trying to be careful not to offend. "I feel I owe you a lot. I'd probably have gone and killed myself if you hadn't knocked some sense into me. You were right... I need to get over Brennon.. but I need some time to myself for closure. I have a lot on my mind and I don't think I can figure it out while I'm here. I won't be gone long. I'll be back after I meet up with Malkin... if... if that's alright with you?" I looked to the ground then I was nervous and musta looked like a school kid with the way i just stared at my feet that I shuffled nervously. I was nervous, and it probably didn't help with how I took what she said next.
"Fine. If you decide to come back, there's room. If you don't, whatever." She never looked at me. no hint of emotion. And... well I was pretty hurt by it. I could feel tears stinging my eyes and I just frowned looking to her in surprise then looked away again quickly.
"I... are you going to be alright? I mean... if you don't want me here I can find somewhere else to go. I don't want to be a burden on you and Derek. I like you two. I just don't want to hurt any feelings or offend. Yes, I know I'm repeating my concern but..." I sighed and looked to her almost hopefully then away sighing again and turned towards the door hesitating, watching the door and listening behind me almost hopeful for what she'd say next. I shouldn't have held my breath... it'd have hurt a lot less.
"Oh, yeah, I really NEED you here. I'll die without you." Her voice was sarcastic, her tone irritated. "Just go, Aiden. I honestly don't care whether or not you come back. It's not like I wanted you here in the first place."
Yeah, that had hurt. I looked back to her and could feel the tears in my eyes now. The words stung. I don't really know why they hurt so bad, but they did. Actually, I think I knew then, I sure do now.
"You could have kicked me out at any time and I'd have left," I said simply, my voice was growing more irritated, my inner sense of self preservation kicking in to lash out at the one that hurt me. "Seriously... you've been through a lot, I know that. I see that. But hell. you need to stop hiding in your room and accept the help that Derek and I are willing to give you." My voice rose now as I started getting more confidence in my words and what I had to say. "You must have liked me being here to SOME degree, you've never tried to kick me on the stoop. Which, again you could have done at any time. I showed up here when you didn't want me to, and you kept me anyways. How do you expect someone to take that?"
"I EXPECT you to take it as me being generous because I know how fucked-up you get after losing someone," Her irritation rang in her voice. "But if you're going to be a whiny little ass, you can leave and not come back. Your choice." I felt kicked in the balls by this. My air had been kicked out of me by the remark and I took a deep and forced myself to calm down before I could continue.
"I'm not trying to seem that way," I started. "I am grateful for the generosity you've shown. I'm just.. ugh.. I'm worried about you, alright?" I sighed heavily, from relief at getting that off my chest I suppose. "I just... want you to be better... to feel better, and I will be back because I want to do whatever it is I can to help you. I just need a couple days is all, to just... figure myself out. Figure my thoughts and feelings out. I just need some closure."
"Well, I'm probably never GOING to feel any better. So if that's why you're coming back, don't. It won't happen," was her flat reply. I frowned and watched her. She thought I pitied her maybe? Maybe I did a little bit, but there's more to it than that. I just couldn't tell her. Not yet.
"I'm comng back to give support... to you and Derek both." I frowned watching her. My voice trembled slightly over my words as I tried to find the right ones. "Again, I like both of you. I want to help you the way you've helped me."
"If you like me, it's only because you don't know me very well."
"I don't believe that." I didn't pause, I spoke immediately standing a little straighter "Derek's a great guy, and I know there's something deep and meaningful between you two. And I know he'd not be that way with just anyone unless they had some good in them." I paused thoughtful of my own words and shrugged a bit. "That's what I feel from him anyways." She just remained silent. I watched her and frowned. I was uncertain what else to say, and figured I should take my leave. "I'll be back in a couple days. If either of you need anything, you both have my e-mail and I left my cell number on the table. Don't hsitate to call or e-mail me" I turned and headed towards the door almost reluctantly. I felt like I was betraying them both somehow by leaving. "I'm sorry, I just need to do this. You'll explain it to Derek for me, won't you?" I looked to her over my shoulder as I opened the door.
"I'll explain myself when I get back if I have to, or he can call me. I'll see you Monday." I sighed and left.
After leaving I found a place to get some food, then found an art supplies store. Creating and making art is one of my best ways of finding closure and getting my thoughts out onto paper. And then I took public transport to the river hotel I'd been staying at before I went to KK's. I have a room for the weekend and have been walking the river walk and through the nearby parks. I ate and have been here since about 9pm and now I'm working on this. I have so much more to think over than I originally thought I did. I'm still hurting from KK's words. I'm feeling a bit lonely at not hearing either of them moving around during the night. I feel... lonely.
Tomorrow I'm going to see about another walk in the park, some time outside and wait for Malkin to contact me. I e-mailed him my cell number and told him to call me when he's ready. I'll have him meet me here. It's been pretty quiet and uneventful. I've been looking for Slender man to appear. Watching, waiting. I have yet to see Him. I'm glad I have this time to just stop and think. To unwind and have my thoughts to myself.
I think I'm going to leave it at this and try and get some drawing in. got some of the nice supplies they had here. Thankfully brands are pretty much the same on this side. Lots to think over... Hopefully in time I'll feel better. I'll see ya all later, and Malkin, remember to call me when you're ready. I'll be here and my cell's always on.
After leaving I found a place to get some food, then found an art supplies store. Creating and making art is one of my best ways of finding closure and getting my thoughts out onto paper. And then I took public transport to the river hotel I'd been staying at before I went to KK's. I have a room for the weekend and have been walking the river walk and through the nearby parks. I ate and have been here since about 9pm and now I'm working on this. I have so much more to think over than I originally thought I did. I'm still hurting from KK's words. I'm feeling a bit lonely at not hearing either of them moving around during the night. I feel... lonely.
Tomorrow I'm going to see about another walk in the park, some time outside and wait for Malkin to contact me. I e-mailed him my cell number and told him to call me when he's ready. I'll have him meet me here. It's been pretty quiet and uneventful. I've been looking for Slender man to appear. Watching, waiting. I have yet to see Him. I'm glad I have this time to just stop and think. To unwind and have my thoughts to myself.
I think I'm going to leave it at this and try and get some drawing in. got some of the nice supplies they had here. Thankfully brands are pretty much the same on this side. Lots to think over... Hopefully in time I'll feel better. I'll see ya all later, and Malkin, remember to call me when you're ready. I'll be here and my cell's always on.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Life goes on.
Still here with Derek and KK. Still forever thankful of the hospitality they've shown. I must say that Derek and I have hit it off pretty ell. He's friendly and very likeable. I enjoy hanging out with him and playing games. I do my extra deeds and chores around the place to help with my keep, and I put in to help with food and other necessary supplies.
Right now though, everything just seems... off. And I have to admit, I'm kind of having a pretty massive panic attack. I'm just hiding in the corner on my laptop and typing this out. Some of you may have seen Derek's post. I can't help but feel helpless and unable to do something about this. KK may come off as a despicable bitch to a lot of people. A tough guy, a know it all. But KK is something more, she's a survivor, and a fighter and one of the best people that I must say I now have the honor of knowing. She is quiet, she still hides and is on her own, but there's this... I don't know how to explain it. She cares, even if she doesn't show it, she does care. I honestly thought that what Derek had mentioned was just part of her character, part of who she is. Now I'm ashamed that I hadn't asked anything about her sooner. I'm sorry KK. I'm sorry if I came out as a pompous ass that doesn't care. That's not the case at all. Quite the opposite in fact. I'm here if you need anything. All you need to do is ask.
Also, there's this issue with Malkin. Has anyone seen what I did to him? And he wants me to meet up with them. How am I supposed to just not worry about this? How am I supposed to ignore the fact that it did happen and that I could have killed him? And they want to see me? I'm sure Chastin will start beating the piss out of me. I almost burnt down the house around them. I could have killed them! I could have killed them and they want to meet up with me?! Add into the whole fact that I don't want to leave Derek and KK here alone. I have no idea where anything is in this city and I'm slowly breaking down from just about everything right now.
Oh my best friend and ex lover Taben saved the person that killed my husband. How the FUCK DO I HANDLE THAT?! Oh to make matters worse he's now apparently serving her and not the Slender Man clone known as It? What the fuck?!
Let's add into the mess that my soul sister is on her way here to meet up with me and I seriously don't know if this is a good idea! I do not want her dead! I don't want her to die. I love her to bits and want her safe. But if she does this and continues with this by Gods she may be dead.
It's sad. I used to love getting together with all my friends and loved ones for these little get togethers and parties. But now, now I'm just.. .scared. I have been having dreams of Brennon constantly. I feel like I'm betraying him I 'm falling apart from how I feel. I don't know what to do or how to react to everything. I don't have someone I can just turn to and talk to anymore and I can't place that burden on Derek or KK. It's not their burden to bear. You know, I should have known this whole fucking hatchling thing was a terrible fucking illusion. I should have fucking known! I should have known when I had to listen to Brennon's muffled screams as he died, when I couldn't break through the duct takes them I should have known. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! And now he's gone. He died and I couldn't help him... and now my friends are all going to die and I can't help them... for the first time in a very long time I feel helpless... I want to just.. curl up in bed clinging to Brennon and crying like a little girl... but I can, Because Brennon's gone... and that's all my fault. And I have to learn to live with that.
It's pretty hard to do. Wish I could be more like KK in that sense.
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