Brandy's missing

We all went to bed last night but when we woke it was just Malkin and me. We figured Brandy was still in the room asleep so we let her go. We made breakfast then went in to wake her. She wasn't there. Nothing was missing or taken. No signs of a struggle. She's just... Gone. I have no clue what's going on or where she could have gone. She's still in a cast and can't walk or move without crutches or a wheelchair. She'd been using KK's old chair around the house here. We've been looking all over. There's only so much we can do. Her laptop's still here so we've been trying to think through her security password to gain access to see if there's anything hidden on it. I feel like an ass to have to do this, but I'm at a loss of what else we can do. I'm worried, and a bit scared. I just hope she's alright.

Lack of Updates

I'd like to first of all, apologize for y lack of updates. We're all here, and we're.. for the most part well. Brandy's been keeping to herself again since the incident with Chastin. I've been worried to death about Derek and wondering about KK. Or... Blight. Or whatever the hell she calls herself. She was never really truly my partner but I did care about her. I'd like to think that... it meant something. I meant something. And I just don't know what to do. I keep hoping that Derek will contact me like he did Brandy. But he hasn't. I've been working to take care of Brandy and Malkin. We're keeping things together here. Malkin and I have talked at length about.. a lot of stuff. And, well yeah... you have that.

He's been upset but he's getting through pretty well. He's strong like that. I respect that of him. I wish I had more that I could say but honestly, other than finding out more about Chastin's decent into crazy world there's nothing to say really.

Branwen? Guys? Where have you been? You said you were coming to Oregon? Like a while ago. Where are you? I've been trying to call repeatedly and it's kike someone answers but then it's just, static. Please tell me you guys are alright. Please? Please. I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you guys... Please be alright. I love you sis. Please be safe.

#27- Seeking Solace

Eternal winter in the heart
Doubt seeks warmth beside me
Impossible to stall the seconds
Saturate the self in silence
Serve the heart
The ties that bind
This spirit seeking solace
3.5x2.5 Watercolors, Micron pens and gouache
on illustration board

Things are calming down here. I've been helping Brandy open up and be a part of the group... well the group that's just her, Chas, Mal and myself. There's been a lot going on, well not a lot but a lot. I won't divulge too much. The biggest thing I'm going to cover is this picture here. This card. part of my challenge. Seeking Solace.

This came from a dream. And it's been bothering me for a while now, even more so since what happened to Derek happened. I had been becoming increasingly more tense and frustrated and upset. A day or so after Malkin and Chastin had come to stay here, Malkin approached me.
 He'd been playing video games when he finally approached me. I was so engulfed in what I was needing to do that the poke in the side I received took me completely by surprise and I looked at him. He looked worried, maybe concerned. A bit afraid. It worried me.

"What's up?" I finally asked frowning with worry. "Are you alright?" I stuttered as I noticed the clock and the time. It was after two in the afternoon. I'd forgotten lunch. "Err shit... I'm late on starting lunch.. sorry just got... side tracked." I hurried to get my stuff cleaned up and go get something of lunch started. Malkin stopped me placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Wait... it isn't that. I just wanted to..." He hesitated slightly "Well, know if you were alright. You seem like something's upsetting you, and I know a lot of bad things have happened over the last couple of days so... I dunno." He looked at his feet. "I was just worried about you." I paused and looked to Malkin. He was worried and bothered. Because of me? And he blamed me for worrying too much.

"I don't know, I just have a lot on my mind is all." I started, yeah there's a lot on my mind the thing bothering most was what had happened with Derek, and this card I had made. "With Derek and all... and just some other things." I sighed and sat down heavily in my chair again and pointed to the chair beside me. "Sit down and... and look at this. I... I had finished it a couple days before what happened had happened." I rustled through my stuff and pulled out one of my recently finished challenge cards. The card that's here at the top of this post. I pushed it towards Malkin in it's protective sleeve. "I had a dream about it. So I drew it. What do you make of it, because I have no clue how to take this." He studied the card for a little while thoughtfully before speaking.

"All I can really say is that it's disturbing." He frowned stuttering slightly a shiver washing over his body. "When I see it, it reminds me of my encounter with... Him... last weekend. But you say you dreamed this before what happened to Derek?" He shook his head. "I don't know."

"Yeah, a couple days before." I sighed shaking my head. "It's been bothering me, and I'm angry for not saying anything to them. I didn't think it meant anything though. It's just really frustrating. I think it's related somehow though. I remember this figure being KK... but not... if that makes sense. I don't know. She was still out cold at the time. I didn't think anything of it. I wish i had. Derek might be sace. I will never forgive myself if he dies."

"I don't blame you for ignoring it," Malkin frowned. "It was just a dream after all, and how could you know what would eventually happen?"

"Because, other things have." I frowned looking away ashamed of myself now.

"Don't blame yourself for what happened," he put his hand on mine comfortingly. I felt my skin prickle with seeming excitement at the contact and was instantly thankful for his touch and part of me was longing to tell him... other things that were on my mind. "Derek will get better. I know it's probably hard to trust Andromeda, but I'm sure she knows what she's doing." And like that the sensation I was feeling disappeared and I was angry.

 "She killed Brennon and Taben! Of course it's hard to trust her! I thought you hated her and were as untrusting of her as I was?!" I couldn't control my anger and I pulled away from his touch glaring at him. "Who's to say she won't rip him to pieces and eat his innards?!" I think his calmness pissed me off even more as he spoke. And at the same time I wanted to just pull him into a hug and kiss him in the most passionate and appreciative way I could. God dammit he knew how to play me.

"You're right, I do hate her. But right now she's probably the only hope Derek has." He leaned back in his chair and sighed. "What else can we do but trust her?" I sighed calming down.

"Yeah I know, it's just hard."I shook my head, more to try and push away the desires and emotions that were overtaking me than for any other reason. "I'm just... yeah I have a lot on my mind. I've a lot of responsibility right now. I have you guys here and now Brandy. I wish I could get her to calm down and open up to us. I'm worried that she's so uncomfortable and hiding away so much."

"I know what you mean," Malkin said with a nod. "I don't want to bother her though. She's been through a lot. Don't worry about it, Ai. She'll come around when she's ready." I nodded and looked to him worried now.


"What about you though," I frowned. "You've been pretty quiet, how are you doing?"


"As well as anyone can do when they're missing fingers and their arm is a mutilated hunk of meat." He managed a half hearted laugh. "It's been interesting trying to play video games with all these bandages on my arm and only three fingers. At least I only lost ones I rarely use. I'm mostly doing my best to see the brighter side of things." I wanted to kiss him for that. It proved the point I'd been thinking of all a long. It took everything to keep myself from doing it too. I was smiling like an idiot I'm sure.

"That's the best weapon in the situation we're in," I said the smile still prominent. "Well, second best at least."

"What's the best?" He asked as he readjusted his arm and looked up to me with a curious smile.
 I hesitated and felt my face go red with embarrassment, afraid of admitting to him how I felt, admitting what I wanted to say. I quickly diffused the subject by changing the subject.

"You hungry," I asked. simple and to the point. And I went to the kitchen so he couldn't see the tension and embarrassment as much.

"A littl," He frowned and grimaced at the thought. "The pain meds might make me puke if I eat anything though.

"What meds are you on?" I asked "I may know a remedy to help it... or I'll make something that won't bother you as much. You need to eat, babe. We can't have you starving yourself." I paused as I noticed my slip and flushed a deeper red. I hesitated before asking almost nervously. "When will Chastin be back? Is he going to be back in time for dinner?" He looked at the clock, he didn't seem to notice my slip, or that's how it seemed anyways. 

 

"He said he was going to be working late tonight." He said, "As for me I'll eat a little but I'm sure I can only eat soup." I shrugged and nodded and took his word for it and started working on making a can of soup for him.

"He's been working late a lot," I said the suspicion strong in my voice. "Are you sure he's... well... sorry....nevermind. You'd know him best I guess." I felt stupid and angry fro even suggesting to him thath is boyfriend was a proxy. That's the perfect way to get someone to trust me.

"It's alright," he said with a shrug. "I understand your concern. I just... I don't think we need to be fighting amongst ourselves right now." He sighed heavily. I wanted to move over and just hug him and comfort him and... well a lot of other stuff as well.  I don't know what's going on with me anymore. Why I feel this way. But then again. Love is the strongest weapon that we have against Slender Man. And Malkin is a sweet person, good looking. caring. all the qualities..... but.. that's a different story for a different day.... I'm explaining this card. Right. Lots of stuff coming back to mind recalling this. my apologies for that. I've been extremely emotionally charged lately. Anyways.. where was I.... oh right. I made Malkin soup. And we talked. and I continued to fight my desire to just hug and kiss him and give him all the attention that Chastin didn't give him anymore and... well yeah. I finally divulged a lot of feelings and emotions to him. But what he wishes to reveal in regards to that I'll leave completely up to him.

Anyways in other news, If anyone saw the post Brandy made yesterday? This one right here? See the comment? Yeah, Malkin saw me screaming with joy when Brandy pointed it out to me. I think that's the kicker and what we needed to get us out of the awkward silence. We've been talking and interacting. She's been a lot more talkative and trying to fit in. I explained everything to her and just worked to help her out and stuff. She's a very sweet and quiet girl. She just needs time, and we all needed something to bring us together and get us talking.

The best part? Derek's alive. That has me happy. So very happy. I feel relieved and excited and I'm anxious. I want to see him and know he's safe. I'm also a bit flustered. But I can understand why he commented there instead of e-mailing me or something. He's alive. We're all good. And there's just more proof. Love... it's a very strong weapon. And we have it.

I'm a fighter. My weapon is hope and love. I'll keep fighting till the day He takes me down. And that won't be for a long time.

The Devil Went Down to Portland

I had just stepped out. I was just getting groceries for diner. We'd been so worried with the way KK had been since she woke. I guess the worry was really something to be concerned about. I mean, for love of the Gods, she started walking with no problem as soon as she woke. Looking at her blog entry she made, she took a gun shot to the stomach like it was nothing.

Maybe I should go back and explain how it happened. How it all went down. As I said, I had just run down the street to the grocer for some stuff for dinner. I came back home from the run and entered the apartment. It was a mess. Things were missing, now that I've had tme to cool and calm down to some degree, I realize it's all of KK's weapons. The place was also a mess. And.. then I found Derek. And I lost it. I could hardly contain my fear and was afraid to get to close or I'd hurt him more and afraid that if I weren't close enough he'd die without knowing how I really feel. I love you Derek. I really do. And I'm sorry this happened.

Next thing I know there's this woman hovering over us. Scared the shit out of me. How she just appeared from nowhere. Then I realized who it was. It was Andromeda. I should have turned and killed her. Hell I probably would have. She just watched, the look on her face. Pity? Worry? I don't know. She kneeled over Derek. She seemed very sincere. "Let me take him, I can save his life." Ans she picked him up. And started to leave. And then I started screaming.

"I'm supposed to trust you?! How the fuck do you expect me to trust YOU. Of everyone on this planet I hat you more than anyone else. I want you to die more than anyone else. I want to see you fry in hell and I want to see you tortured and cut to pieces and killed slowly. You took my husband away from me! He was my life! How do I know you won't do the same to Derek?! I love him! I LOVE HIM! I swear to the Gods above if you kill him, take him from me as well, the it is on. I will find you and I will fucking KILL you!"

She moved and retrieved his hand from the floor and looked to me. "I'm afraid I can't waste time talking to you, dear. Mr. Collins here is about to die, and if I'm to save him I need to get to work immediately. Don't you worry, though. He'll be quite safe." And then they were gone. And I was left here.

I've been trying to keep an optimistic view on this. Derek will be safe. I'll have him back. I'll have him here. won't I? I hope. It's empty here. I feel alone. they're both gone and I'm again alone. I've been cleaning and trying to just keep my mind on the thought that they'll be back. They're just out. KK had a doctor's appointment. Yeah, that's it. I've been cleaning up and then I found this note. From KK. "Aiden can have all our shit." just scrawled and signed by her. I'm so confused. And scared. It's almost like I'm right back to where I started. I'm trying to keep my mind to the future. But all I can think of that keeps me going is the fact that we're all fucked. I knew this was coming. I need to take things as they come. We've seen the Slender Man, ad all we can know for sure is that in the end we're going to die. So let's make the most of it until we do. I said it before. I'm a fighter now, not a runner. I'll figure out what to do about this and see about moving this place to my name and taking charge. I'm still alive, Derek's going to be safe. I'll see him again. We'll be find.

I love you Brennon. I love you Derek. Love will keep us alive. It's the best weapon we have anymore. Let's use it to the fullest.

Been a bit...

It's been a bit I know, and I'm sorry. I've been... busy. And a bit uncertain with a lot. Things are straitened out now though. Derek and I have been keeping watch on KK and making sure she's safe. When not watching her... we've been spending time together. I finally came out and told him my feelings. I... to say I was relieved that he returned them was an understatement. I don't know why I was so afraid but I was. Live in the moment. We've been spending time together and just getting to know one another on a deeper more personal and... intimate level. It has helped both of us and relieve some of the stress that we have been feeling due to the current circumstances. I'm worried to death for KK, we both are, but there's nothing we can do for her until she awakens. We have no idea when that will happen. I've been trying to talk to Derek about having a visiting doctor to come and check on her. We're both uncertain about it though. I'm not sure what to make of it all. I'm worried about KK, Derek's worried and now I'm a rambling idiot. I just want her to wake up and be alright. I swear to the Gods above if she wakes up I'll be so happy, I think she'd probably get more than what she bargained for from both myself and Derek. Heh... I've been drinking... It's been tasty and I'm a bit wonky due to the drink. such a light weight... heh. Derek's gonna enjoy me tonight I guess. I should go and do stuff... oh dinner i need to get dinner done and check on KK and on Derek and stuff.

Also need to figure when we'll be able to get with Malkin and Chastin. Won't be able to do it until KK wakes. Maybe she'll wake up soon. I guess we'll see. Just didn't want people to think I was dead. Quite the opposite actually. I'm quite alive and feeling good.

#29 - Love

"But who cares cause my heart is a dark force
to be reckoned with
she took it and ripped it apart
opened it and shredded it
never give love to a pretty girl with a negative outlook
there's no such thing as a friend no benefits
so sweet so elegant, so weak, so intelligent
I forget like the night is my last night
and the past nights mean nothing
so I lose my composure
lost in space cause my worlds over"
3.5x2.5 micron pens,watercolors
and gouache on Illustration board





Love.... it's a really interesting emotion. At first it's this great energizing feeling, then it's agonizing pain when you lose a love that's been part of your life for so long. Brennon was my life, my love. And for the longest time I have felt betrayal for how I am beginning to feel. I've been scared, and worried and uncomfortable. I've felt guilty and angry and a mix of other emotions. I loved Brennon. He was my life. He's gone. And he'd want me to move on. And.. so I shall. 

KK and Derek have been wonderful to me. They took me in, they saved me. I had a dream, since all this shit started I had a dream. I was with Derek and KK and we were just... together and laughing and happy. It was just a gorgeous dream. It speaks what I feel in my heart. I thought I was confused, uncertain and just scared of being alone. Then I analyzed the situation. It wasn't that at all. I ran back here as soon as I saw KK's post. I was scared shitless she was going to do to herself what I had wanted her to do to me. I got back and just... I don't know anymore. I had come to terms with what I had felt. I had come to terms with Brennon's death. I'd come to terms that everyone around me that's stuck in this mess is going to die. I'm accepting of this. Bit... not yet. Not KK. Not this soon. I want a chance to tell them. Talk to them. Be with them. I don't give a damned if the time we have is limited. I just want them to know. And I know it's what Brennon would want me to do.

He'd want me to be happy. He'd want me to live my life. And that's what I'm doing. I'm going to live.

I'm here at home with KK and Derek. I'm happy. I'm home. And this is where I want to stay.

I love you guys... KK, Derek, if you read this, I love you. Brennon would want me happy. You guys make me happy. We'll live and die through this together. I'm not leaving. You can't make me.

I love you.

Closure

 Closure, it's something I've not had much of since Brennon's death. It's been... well it's been a while... a couple weeks? three weeks? I've lost track of time and it's all just kind of mushed together into on mix of everything. I decided to take the weekend and get out, take time at some parks and just remember Brennon and try to find some sort of closure in all of this.  So I decided I'd get away from the house, let Derek and KK have time to themselves and do my own thing and have some time to myself to figure it all out. First though I had to talk to KK. Only polite to let them know I'm leaving, right? The conversation didn't really... help much and left me wondering and has brought me to realize I've a lot more to think over.

I had spend most of the morning gathering up my stuff and packing things up. I was fully packed and ready so I decided finally to face KK. Now she's been pretty quiet since I've been here and it's rare we really interact. I've learned she likes her solitude and let her have it and just surf the web and play games. I figured I should give some notice before I left, I wanted her to know I wasn't just abandoning her either. She was sitting in the living room just staring out the window when I walked in to speak to her.

"Uh... KK?" I asked almost hesitantly.

"What?" Her voice was quiet, and flat. I was used to it, it's how she usually spoke.

"I... I need to get out for a bit, so, I was going to stay at a hotel.. just for a bit. If you don't mind?" I was really hesitant, I didn't want to offend her I had really appreciated everything she'd done for me in the past week or so. I'd somehow grown fond of them and didn't want to hurt either of them. Maybe... maybe that's one of the reasons I needed to go...

"It's your life. Why should I care what you're doing?" Her voice was still flat and emotionless.

"You've been nice enough to house me and..." I stuttered trying to find the words, trying to be careful not to offend. "I feel I owe you a lot. I'd probably have gone and killed myself if you hadn't knocked some sense into me. You were right... I need to get over Brennon.. but I need some time to myself for closure. I have a lot on my mind and I don't think I can figure it out while I'm here. I won't be gone long. I'll be back after I meet up with Malkin... if... if that's alright with you?" I looked to the ground then I was nervous and musta looked like a school kid with the way i just stared at my feet that I shuffled nervously. I was nervous, and it probably didn't help with how I took what she said next.
  

"Fine. If you decide to come back, there's room. If you don't, whatever." She never looked at me. no hint of emotion. And... well I was pretty hurt by it. I could feel tears stinging my eyes and I just frowned looking to her in surprise then looked away again quickly.

"I... are you going to be alright? I mean... if you don't want me here I can find somewhere else to go. I don't want to be a burden on you and Derek. I like you two. I just don't want to hurt any feelings or offend. Yes, I know I'm repeating my concern but..." I sighed and looked to her almost hopefully then away sighing again and turned towards the door hesitating, watching the door and listening behind me almost hopeful for what she'd say next. I shouldn't have held my breath... it'd have hurt a lot less.

"Oh, yeah, I really NEED you here. I'll die without you." Her voice was sarcastic, her tone irritated. "Just go, Aiden. I honestly don't care whether or not you come back. It's not like I wanted you here in the first place."

Yeah, that had hurt.  I looked back to her and could feel the tears in my eyes now. The words stung. I don't really know why they hurt so bad, but they did. Actually, I think I knew then, I sure do now.

"You could have kicked me out at any time and I'd have left," I said simply, my voice was growing more irritated, my inner sense of self preservation kicking in to lash out at the one that hurt me. "Seriously... you've been through a lot, I know that. I see that. But hell. you need to stop hiding in your room and accept the help that Derek and I are willing to give you." My voice rose now as I started getting more confidence in my words and what I had to say. "You must have liked me being here to SOME degree, you've never tried to kick me on the stoop. Which, again you could have done at any time. I showed up here when you didn't want me to, and you kept me anyways. How do you expect someone to take that?"

"I EXPECT you to take it as me being generous because I know how fucked-up you get after losing someone," Her irritation rang in her voice. "But if you're going to be a whiny little ass, you can leave and not come back. Your choice." I felt kicked in the balls by this. My air had been kicked out of me by the remark and I took a deep and forced myself to calm down before I could continue.

"I'm not trying to seem that way," I started. "I am grateful for the generosity you've shown. I'm just.. ugh.. I'm worried about you, alright?" I sighed heavily, from relief at getting that off my chest I suppose. "I just... want you to be better... to feel better, and I will be back because I want to do whatever it is I can to help you. I just need a couple days is all, to just... figure myself out. Figure my thoughts and feelings out. I just need some closure."

"Well, I'm probably never GOING to feel any better. So if that's why you're coming back, don't. It won't happen," was her flat reply. I frowned and watched her. She thought I pitied her maybe? Maybe I did a little bit, but there's more to it than that. I just couldn't tell her. Not yet.

"I'm comng back to give support... to you and Derek both." I frowned watching her. My voice trembled slightly over my words as I tried to find the right ones. "Again, I like both of you. I want to help you the way you've helped me."

"If you like me, it's only because you don't know me very well."

"I don't believe that." I didn't pause, I spoke immediately standing a little straighter "Derek's a great guy, and I know there's something deep and meaningful between you two. And I know he'd not be that way with just anyone unless they had some good in them." I paused thoughtful of my own words and shrugged a bit. "That's what I feel from him anyways." She just remained silent. I watched her and frowned. I was uncertain what else to say, and figured I should take my leave. "I'll be back in a couple days. If either of you need anything, you both have my e-mail and I left my cell number on the table. Don't hsitate to call or e-mail me" I turned and headed  towards the door almost reluctantly. I felt like I was betraying them both somehow by leaving. "I'm sorry, I just need to do this. You'll explain it to Derek for me, won't you?" I looked to her over my shoulder as I opened the door.

"I'll tell him where you went if he asks, but I'm not explaining shit." She never looked at me even as the door opened.

"I'll explain myself when I get back if I have to, or he can call me. I'll see you Monday." I sighed and left.

After leaving I found a place to get some food, then found an art supplies store. Creating and making art is one of my best ways of finding closure and getting my thoughts out onto paper. And then I took public transport to the river hotel I'd been staying at before I went to KK's. I have a room for the weekend and have been walking the river walk and through the nearby parks. I ate and have been here since about 9pm and now I'm working on this. I have so much more to think over than I originally thought I did. I'm still hurting from KK's words. I'm feeling a bit lonely at not hearing either of them moving around during the night. I feel... lonely.
Tomorrow I'm going to see about another walk in the park, some time outside and wait for Malkin to contact me. I e-mailed him my cell number and told him to call me when he's ready. I'll have him meet me here. It's been pretty quiet and uneventful. I've been looking for Slender man to appear. Watching, waiting. I have yet to see Him. I'm glad I have this time to just stop and think. To unwind and have my thoughts to myself.

I think I'm going to leave it at this and try and get some drawing in. got some of the nice supplies they had here. Thankfully brands are pretty much the same on this side. Lots to think over... Hopefully in time I'll feel better. I'll see ya all later, and Malkin, remember to call me when you're ready. I'll be here and my cell's always on.