Worried Sick

I've been worried sick since Branwen's left to go after Casey. I miss little sis and I'm worried to hell about her. Before that we had gotten her calmed down. We were joking, having fun, enjoying ourselves. And then Casey just left, disappeared. And Bran panicked. I tried to calm her down and get Todd's help to calm her down. And then... they were gone. They left. Bran didn't want to lose her best friend, Todd didn't want another to die.

and they were gone. And I have been worried since. It's been almost a week. I haven't heard anything from them. I've called, and called and called and called some more. Nothing. Busy? Stuck in Morrigan's hands? Or are they.... no. Can't think of that. Todd's there. He won't let that happen.

Hah, it's almost 6am. Malkin's prolly pissed. I never came to bed. I just haven't been able to sleep very well or very long since Bran's been gone. I miss her. I miss everyone. She and Malkin are all I have. All the family left in this world. I don't want to lose them. Ever. I'd rather die than lose them.

Anyways, Samhein's getting close. I'm working on prepping for it. Finding places to get supplies has been pretty easy. There's a decent abundance of new age stores here. I'm going to go to the grocer the day of Samhein and get fresh food for the feast. Plans are to do a small ritual that Brennon and I used to always do together for it. Malkin's gonna kinda help, at least be supportive in helping me set things up. We need to rearrange things here in the den some but we'll make it work. Don't know what I'd do without him. I'd be lost for sure. Now all he has to do is start putting a little trust and faith in me. Let me know when shit goes down so I can be there as support.

Dammit Mal, just dammit. Take care of yourself... and let me know what's going on.

Yeah. Between Malkin's arm, Slender Man, Chastin the Proxy, and Branwen, I'm pretty damned worried. But fuck it. I'll get through this. We'll all pull through. Bran promised me she'd be back for Yule. She doesn't break promises.

I can't wait. A happy family Yule part, and then a happy New Year's Eve party. New Years Eve. I'll be 22. It'll have been a year since all this shit started... Dammit... I can't believe it's been so long. Feels like just yesterday.

I love you Brennon. I'll see you on Samhein.

An update on Brandy

She's been found. I just got off the phone with the authorities covering her case. She's in Maine. They have her in the hospital. She was found at the bottom of a cliff face in Acadia National Park. She was alive but the trauma she sustained points towards her wither jumping or being thrown from the cliff. Despite the severity of the accusations she seems to be in goof health. The doctors are surprised she's doing so well. And all signs seem to be pointing towards this being the doing of her husband/ex-husband, who they are currently on a man hunt for. Hopefully they find the bastard and put him where he belongs... some reason though, I'm not so sure about this. I want to say there's more to it knowing how we're all involved and connected.

Anyways we're trying to get all her stuff packed up and boxed up and sent out to Maine. Constance has been kind enough to agree to take her in and help her out. We feel she'd be better protected with her than out here where we have to worry about the possibility of proxies. So that's a big weight off my shoulders to know she's safe... well for the most part anyways. She's in good hands, and that's what matters most.

For the time being it's making sure Todd/Alex, Casey and Bran are safe and well. We're all just watching shows, hanging out and just enjoying the time together. I've been working out plans in the meantime for my Samhein ritual. Every year I'll call to the spirits from my past family who've left me. It was something Brennon and I did together. This year I'll be on my own... unless of course Malkin would want to participate but that's a lot to learn and understand in a short time. I... hope to see my parents, my brother and sister, Taben and Brennon. I love him. I miss him. And he's the reason I keep fighting. He and Taben both. So this year on Samhein, I will do a ritual especially for Taben and Brennon.

I guess that's it. I'll let it go here. besides, i want to get breakfast started. Had some good plans for everyone. get them a good breakfast and then we're going to the zoo. We need an outing.

A losing battle

Branwen, Casey and Todd are here. We're trying to get them settled in. Malkin's been wonderful with helping out. I tink we got things pretty much situated. Food's been served and we're sitting them down to movie night. Happy fluffy Disney movies. Try to get them cheered up a bit. We're gonna have a personal wake for Seth and Skyler. Gods I can't believe their gone. We're losing people one by one. We all know that we can't do much through all this, but... yeah. Dammit. I've admittedly been clinging to Bran, I can't let her go. I'm scared to death of loosing her. Her and Todd and Malkin are the last of my family. I lost My parents. I lost Sam and Dean. I lost Brennon. I lost Taben and Ryan. Allen... my Gods Allen never got a chance to live.. Eight years old and we lost him. And this is why I fight... and yet I haven't been fighting. I don't even know where to start to try and fight. I just don't want to lose anyone else. I don't want anyone to lose anyone else. I think that's all the rest of this evening will consist of. Sitting on the couch with Branwen and Malkin on either side of me. Holding them close and cherishing my family as much as I can. I don't know how much more time I have with them.

I love you guys. I really do. We'll get though this. We'll get through. We have each other.

Confusion.

It's an ever flowing state of my mind lately. I'm confused. Lost and uncertain. Brandy's still missing. We have no clue where she is. It's like she just disappeared. We filed a missing person's report. Kicker here? Her husband/ex-husband/whatever the fuck he is. Is missing as well. But it doesn't makes sense how he could know she was here, and why she'd leave willingly with the fucker. And why she wouldn't take her crutches or the wheel chair. I keep wanting to go off on a whim and say that this is the fault of a 'higher power'. Or whatever the fuck you want to call it. I'm sick of this. I'm sick and tiered of loosing everything.

Branwen, where the fuck are you and why aren't you answering your phone?! Where are you sis?! You better fucking be safe! You'd better be safe.

I feel like I'm slipping. Back into that old state. I'm trying to fight to stay out of it. But I'm failing. I'm tempted to go and find Constance... or let her help me get to her. Get away... I don't know. I'm so confused. I don't know where to go or who to look to. I just know I'm confused and just want answers. And the answers aren't coming. I've no clue anymore. No clue. At the same time, I can't keep sitting here waiting to be saved. I need to fight. And so fight I shall.

Brandy's missing

We all went to bed last night but when we woke it was just Malkin and me. We figured Brandy was still in the room asleep so we let her go. We made breakfast then went in to wake her. She wasn't there. Nothing was missing or taken. No signs of a struggle. She's just... Gone. I have no clue what's going on or where she could have gone. She's still in a cast and can't walk or move without crutches or a wheelchair. She'd been using KK's old chair around the house here. We've been looking all over. There's only so much we can do. Her laptop's still here so we've been trying to think through her security password to gain access to see if there's anything hidden on it. I feel like an ass to have to do this, but I'm at a loss of what else we can do. I'm worried, and a bit scared. I just hope she's alright.

Lack of Updates

I'd like to first of all, apologize for y lack of updates. We're all here, and we're.. for the most part well. Brandy's been keeping to herself again since the incident with Chastin. I've been worried to death about Derek and wondering about KK. Or... Blight. Or whatever the hell she calls herself. She was never really truly my partner but I did care about her. I'd like to think that... it meant something. I meant something. And I just don't know what to do. I keep hoping that Derek will contact me like he did Brandy. But he hasn't. I've been working to take care of Brandy and Malkin. We're keeping things together here. Malkin and I have talked at length about.. a lot of stuff. And, well yeah... you have that.

He's been upset but he's getting through pretty well. He's strong like that. I respect that of him. I wish I had more that I could say but honestly, other than finding out more about Chastin's decent into crazy world there's nothing to say really.

Branwen? Guys? Where have you been? You said you were coming to Oregon? Like a while ago. Where are you? I've been trying to call repeatedly and it's kike someone answers but then it's just, static. Please tell me you guys are alright. Please? Please. I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you guys... Please be alright. I love you sis. Please be safe.

#27- Seeking Solace

Eternal winter in the heart
Doubt seeks warmth beside me
Impossible to stall the seconds
Saturate the self in silence
Serve the heart
The ties that bind
This spirit seeking solace
3.5x2.5 Watercolors, Micron pens and gouache
on illustration board

Things are calming down here. I've been helping Brandy open up and be a part of the group... well the group that's just her, Chas, Mal and myself. There's been a lot going on, well not a lot but a lot. I won't divulge too much. The biggest thing I'm going to cover is this picture here. This card. part of my challenge. Seeking Solace.

This came from a dream. And it's been bothering me for a while now, even more so since what happened to Derek happened. I had been becoming increasingly more tense and frustrated and upset. A day or so after Malkin and Chastin had come to stay here, Malkin approached me.
 He'd been playing video games when he finally approached me. I was so engulfed in what I was needing to do that the poke in the side I received took me completely by surprise and I looked at him. He looked worried, maybe concerned. A bit afraid. It worried me.

"What's up?" I finally asked frowning with worry. "Are you alright?" I stuttered as I noticed the clock and the time. It was after two in the afternoon. I'd forgotten lunch. "Err shit... I'm late on starting lunch.. sorry just got... side tracked." I hurried to get my stuff cleaned up and go get something of lunch started. Malkin stopped me placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Wait... it isn't that. I just wanted to..." He hesitated slightly "Well, know if you were alright. You seem like something's upsetting you, and I know a lot of bad things have happened over the last couple of days so... I dunno." He looked at his feet. "I was just worried about you." I paused and looked to Malkin. He was worried and bothered. Because of me? And he blamed me for worrying too much.

"I don't know, I just have a lot on my mind is all." I started, yeah there's a lot on my mind the thing bothering most was what had happened with Derek, and this card I had made. "With Derek and all... and just some other things." I sighed and sat down heavily in my chair again and pointed to the chair beside me. "Sit down and... and look at this. I... I had finished it a couple days before what happened had happened." I rustled through my stuff and pulled out one of my recently finished challenge cards. The card that's here at the top of this post. I pushed it towards Malkin in it's protective sleeve. "I had a dream about it. So I drew it. What do you make of it, because I have no clue how to take this." He studied the card for a little while thoughtfully before speaking.

"All I can really say is that it's disturbing." He frowned stuttering slightly a shiver washing over his body. "When I see it, it reminds me of my encounter with... Him... last weekend. But you say you dreamed this before what happened to Derek?" He shook his head. "I don't know."

"Yeah, a couple days before." I sighed shaking my head. "It's been bothering me, and I'm angry for not saying anything to them. I didn't think it meant anything though. It's just really frustrating. I think it's related somehow though. I remember this figure being KK... but not... if that makes sense. I don't know. She was still out cold at the time. I didn't think anything of it. I wish i had. Derek might be sace. I will never forgive myself if he dies."

"I don't blame you for ignoring it," Malkin frowned. "It was just a dream after all, and how could you know what would eventually happen?"

"Because, other things have." I frowned looking away ashamed of myself now.

"Don't blame yourself for what happened," he put his hand on mine comfortingly. I felt my skin prickle with seeming excitement at the contact and was instantly thankful for his touch and part of me was longing to tell him... other things that were on my mind. "Derek will get better. I know it's probably hard to trust Andromeda, but I'm sure she knows what she's doing." And like that the sensation I was feeling disappeared and I was angry.

 "She killed Brennon and Taben! Of course it's hard to trust her! I thought you hated her and were as untrusting of her as I was?!" I couldn't control my anger and I pulled away from his touch glaring at him. "Who's to say she won't rip him to pieces and eat his innards?!" I think his calmness pissed me off even more as he spoke. And at the same time I wanted to just pull him into a hug and kiss him in the most passionate and appreciative way I could. God dammit he knew how to play me.

"You're right, I do hate her. But right now she's probably the only hope Derek has." He leaned back in his chair and sighed. "What else can we do but trust her?" I sighed calming down.

"Yeah I know, it's just hard."I shook my head, more to try and push away the desires and emotions that were overtaking me than for any other reason. "I'm just... yeah I have a lot on my mind. I've a lot of responsibility right now. I have you guys here and now Brandy. I wish I could get her to calm down and open up to us. I'm worried that she's so uncomfortable and hiding away so much."

"I know what you mean," Malkin said with a nod. "I don't want to bother her though. She's been through a lot. Don't worry about it, Ai. She'll come around when she's ready." I nodded and looked to him worried now.


"What about you though," I frowned. "You've been pretty quiet, how are you doing?"


"As well as anyone can do when they're missing fingers and their arm is a mutilated hunk of meat." He managed a half hearted laugh. "It's been interesting trying to play video games with all these bandages on my arm and only three fingers. At least I only lost ones I rarely use. I'm mostly doing my best to see the brighter side of things." I wanted to kiss him for that. It proved the point I'd been thinking of all a long. It took everything to keep myself from doing it too. I was smiling like an idiot I'm sure.

"That's the best weapon in the situation we're in," I said the smile still prominent. "Well, second best at least."

"What's the best?" He asked as he readjusted his arm and looked up to me with a curious smile.
 I hesitated and felt my face go red with embarrassment, afraid of admitting to him how I felt, admitting what I wanted to say. I quickly diffused the subject by changing the subject.

"You hungry," I asked. simple and to the point. And I went to the kitchen so he couldn't see the tension and embarrassment as much.

"A littl," He frowned and grimaced at the thought. "The pain meds might make me puke if I eat anything though.

"What meds are you on?" I asked "I may know a remedy to help it... or I'll make something that won't bother you as much. You need to eat, babe. We can't have you starving yourself." I paused as I noticed my slip and flushed a deeper red. I hesitated before asking almost nervously. "When will Chastin be back? Is he going to be back in time for dinner?" He looked at the clock, he didn't seem to notice my slip, or that's how it seemed anyways. 

 

"He said he was going to be working late tonight." He said, "As for me I'll eat a little but I'm sure I can only eat soup." I shrugged and nodded and took his word for it and started working on making a can of soup for him.

"He's been working late a lot," I said the suspicion strong in my voice. "Are you sure he's... well... sorry....nevermind. You'd know him best I guess." I felt stupid and angry fro even suggesting to him thath is boyfriend was a proxy. That's the perfect way to get someone to trust me.

"It's alright," he said with a shrug. "I understand your concern. I just... I don't think we need to be fighting amongst ourselves right now." He sighed heavily. I wanted to move over and just hug him and comfort him and... well a lot of other stuff as well.  I don't know what's going on with me anymore. Why I feel this way. But then again. Love is the strongest weapon that we have against Slender Man. And Malkin is a sweet person, good looking. caring. all the qualities..... but.. that's a different story for a different day.... I'm explaining this card. Right. Lots of stuff coming back to mind recalling this. my apologies for that. I've been extremely emotionally charged lately. Anyways.. where was I.... oh right. I made Malkin soup. And we talked. and I continued to fight my desire to just hug and kiss him and give him all the attention that Chastin didn't give him anymore and... well yeah. I finally divulged a lot of feelings and emotions to him. But what he wishes to reveal in regards to that I'll leave completely up to him.

Anyways in other news, If anyone saw the post Brandy made yesterday? This one right here? See the comment? Yeah, Malkin saw me screaming with joy when Brandy pointed it out to me. I think that's the kicker and what we needed to get us out of the awkward silence. We've been talking and interacting. She's been a lot more talkative and trying to fit in. I explained everything to her and just worked to help her out and stuff. She's a very sweet and quiet girl. She just needs time, and we all needed something to bring us together and get us talking.

The best part? Derek's alive. That has me happy. So very happy. I feel relieved and excited and I'm anxious. I want to see him and know he's safe. I'm also a bit flustered. But I can understand why he commented there instead of e-mailing me or something. He's alive. We're all good. And there's just more proof. Love... it's a very strong weapon. And we have it.

I'm a fighter. My weapon is hope and love. I'll keep fighting till the day He takes me down. And that won't be for a long time.