Closure, it's something I've not had much of since Brennon's death. It's been... well it's been a while... a couple weeks? three weeks? I've lost track of time and it's all just kind of mushed together into on mix of everything. I decided to take the weekend and get out, take time at some parks and just remember Brennon and try to find some sort of closure in all of this. So I decided I'd get away from the house, let Derek and KK have time to themselves and do my own thing and have some time to myself to figure it all out. First though I had to talk to KK. Only polite to let them know I'm leaving, right? The conversation didn't really... help much and left me wondering and has brought me to realize I've a lot more to think over.
I had spend most of the morning gathering up my stuff and packing things up. I was fully packed and ready so I decided finally to face KK. Now she's been pretty quiet since I've been here and it's rare we really interact. I've learned she likes her solitude and let her have it and just surf the web and play games. I figured I should give some notice before I left, I wanted her to know I wasn't just abandoning her either. She was sitting in the living room just staring out the window when I walked in to speak to her.
"Uh... KK?" I asked almost hesitantly.
"What?" Her voice was quiet, and flat. I was used to it, it's how she usually spoke.
"I... I need to get out for a bit, so, I was going to stay at a hotel.. just for a bit. If you don't mind?" I was really hesitant, I didn't want to offend her I had really appreciated everything she'd done for me in the past week or so. I'd somehow grown fond of them and didn't want to hurt either of them. Maybe... maybe that's one of the reasons I needed to go...
"It's your life. Why should I care what you're doing?" Her voice was still flat and emotionless.
"You've been nice enough to house me and..." I stuttered trying to find the words, trying to be careful not to offend. "I feel I owe you a lot. I'd probably have gone and killed myself if you hadn't knocked some sense into me. You were right... I need to get over Brennon.. but I need some time to myself for closure. I have a lot on my mind and I don't think I can figure it out while I'm here. I won't be gone long. I'll be back after I meet up with Malkin... if... if that's alright with you?" I looked to the ground then I was nervous and musta looked like a school kid with the way i just stared at my feet that I shuffled nervously. I was nervous, and it probably didn't help with how I took what she said next.
"Fine. If you decide to come back, there's room. If you don't, whatever." She never looked at me. no hint of emotion. And... well I was pretty hurt by it. I could feel tears stinging my eyes and I just frowned looking to her in surprise then looked away again quickly.
"I... are you going to be alright? I mean... if you don't want me here I can find somewhere else to go. I don't want to be a burden on you and Derek. I like you two. I just don't want to hurt any feelings or offend. Yes, I know I'm repeating my concern but..." I sighed and looked to her almost hopefully then away sighing again and turned towards the door hesitating, watching the door and listening behind me almost hopeful for what she'd say next. I shouldn't have held my breath... it'd have hurt a lot less.
"Oh, yeah, I really NEED you here. I'll die without you." Her voice was sarcastic, her tone irritated. "Just go, Aiden. I honestly don't care whether or not you come back. It's not like I wanted you here in the first place."
Yeah, that had hurt. I looked back to her and could feel the tears in my eyes now. The words stung. I don't really know why they hurt so bad, but they did. Actually, I think I knew then, I sure do now.
"You could have kicked me out at any time and I'd have left," I said simply, my voice was growing more irritated, my inner sense of self preservation kicking in to lash out at the one that hurt me. "Seriously... you've been through a lot, I know that. I see that. But hell. you need to stop hiding in your room and accept the help that Derek and I are willing to give you." My voice rose now as I started getting more confidence in my words and what I had to say. "You must have liked me being here to SOME degree, you've never tried to kick me on the stoop. Which, again you could have done at any time. I showed up here when you didn't want me to, and you kept me anyways. How do you expect someone to take that?"
"I EXPECT you to take it as me being generous because I know how fucked-up you get after losing someone," Her irritation rang in her voice. "But if you're going to be a whiny little ass, you can leave and not come back. Your choice." I felt kicked in the balls by this. My air had been kicked out of me by the remark and I took a deep and forced myself to calm down before I could continue.
"I'm not trying to seem that way," I started. "I am grateful for the generosity you've shown. I'm just.. ugh.. I'm worried about you, alright?" I sighed heavily, from relief at getting that off my chest I suppose. "I just... want you to be better... to feel better, and I will be back because I want to do whatever it is I can to help you. I just need a couple days is all, to just... figure myself out. Figure my thoughts and feelings out. I just need some closure."
"Well, I'm probably never GOING to feel any better. So if that's why you're coming back, don't. It won't happen," was her flat reply. I frowned and watched her. She thought I pitied her maybe? Maybe I did a little bit, but there's more to it than that. I just couldn't tell her. Not yet.
"I'm comng back to give support... to you and Derek both." I frowned watching her. My voice trembled slightly over my words as I tried to find the right ones. "Again, I like both of you. I want to help you the way you've helped me."
"If you like me, it's only because you don't know me very well."
"I don't believe that." I didn't pause, I spoke immediately standing a little straighter "Derek's a great guy, and I know there's something deep and meaningful between you two. And I know he'd not be that way with just anyone unless they had some good in them." I paused thoughtful of my own words and shrugged a bit. "That's what I feel from him anyways." She just remained silent. I watched her and frowned. I was uncertain what else to say, and figured I should take my leave. "I'll be back in a couple days. If either of you need anything, you both have my e-mail and I left my cell number on the table. Don't hsitate to call or e-mail me" I turned and headed towards the door almost reluctantly. I felt like I was betraying them both somehow by leaving. "I'm sorry, I just need to do this. You'll explain it to Derek for me, won't you?" I looked to her over my shoulder as I opened the door.
"I'll tell him where you went if he asks, but I'm not explaining shit." She never looked at me even as the door opened.
"I'll explain myself when I get back if I have to, or he can call me. I'll see you Monday." I sighed and left.
After leaving I found a place to get some food, then found an art supplies store. Creating and making art is one of my best ways of finding closure and getting my thoughts out onto paper. And then I took public transport to the river hotel I'd been staying at before I went to KK's. I have a room for the weekend and have been walking the river walk and through the nearby parks. I ate and have been here since about 9pm and now I'm working on this. I have so much more to think over than I originally thought I did. I'm still hurting from KK's words. I'm feeling a bit lonely at not hearing either of them moving around during the night. I feel... lonely.
Tomorrow I'm going to see about another walk in the park, some time outside and wait for Malkin to contact me. I e-mailed him my cell number and told him to call me when he's ready. I'll have him meet me here. It's been pretty quiet and uneventful. I've been looking for Slender man to appear. Watching, waiting. I have yet to see Him. I'm glad I have this time to just stop and think. To unwind and have my thoughts to myself.
I think I'm going to leave it at this and try and get some drawing in. got some of the nice supplies they had here. Thankfully brands are pretty much the same on this side. Lots to think over... Hopefully in time I'll feel better. I'll see ya all later, and Malkin, remember to call me when you're ready. I'll be here and my cell's always on.
