Tuesday, August 30, 2011

#29 - Love

"But who cares cause my heart is a dark force
to be reckoned with
she took it and ripped it apart
opened it and shredded it
never give love to a pretty girl with a negative outlook
there's no such thing as a friend no benefits
so sweet so elegant, so weak, so intelligent
I forget like the night is my last night
and the past nights mean nothing
so I lose my composure
lost in space cause my worlds over"
3.5x2.5 micron pens,watercolors
and gouache on Illustration board

Love.... it's a really interesting emotion. At first it's this great energizing feeling, then it's agonizing pain when you lose a love that's been part of your life for so long. Brennon was my life, my love. And for the longest time I have felt betrayal for how I am beginning to feel. I've been scared, and worried and uncomfortable. I've felt guilty and angry and a mix of other emotions. I loved Brennon. He was my life. He's gone. And he'd want me to move on. And.. so I shall. 

KK and Derek have been wonderful to me. They took me in, they saved me. I had a dream, since all this shit started I had a dream. I was with Derek and KK and we were just... together and laughing and happy. It was just a gorgeous dream. It speaks what I feel in my heart. I thought I was confused, uncertain and just scared of being alone. Then I analyzed the situation. It wasn't that at all. I ran back here as soon as I saw KK's post. I was scared shitless she was going to do to herself what I had wanted her to do to me. I got back and just... I don't know anymore. I had come to terms with what I had felt. I had come to terms with Brennon's death. I'd come to terms that everyone around me that's stuck in this mess is going to die. I'm accepting of this. Bit... not yet. Not KK. Not this soon. I want a chance to tell them. Talk to them. Be with them. I don't give a damned if the time we have is limited. I just want them to know. And I know it's what Brennon would want me to do.

He'd want me to be happy. He'd want me to live my life. And that's what I'm doing. I'm going to live.

I'm here at home with KK and Derek. I'm happy. I'm home. And this is where I want to stay.

I love you guys... KK, Derek, if you read this, I love you. Brennon would want me happy. You guys make me happy. We'll live and die through this together. I'm not leaving. You can't make me.

I love you.

Saturday, August 27, 2011


 Closure, it's something I've not had much of since Brennon's death. It's been... well it's been a while... a couple weeks? three weeks? I've lost track of time and it's all just kind of mushed together into on mix of everything. I decided to take the weekend and get out, take time at some parks and just remember Brennon and try to find some sort of closure in all of this.  So I decided I'd get away from the house, let Derek and KK have time to themselves and do my own thing and have some time to myself to figure it all out. First though I had to talk to KK. Only polite to let them know I'm leaving, right? The conversation didn't really... help much and left me wondering and has brought me to realize I've a lot more to think over.
I had spend most of the morning gathering up my stuff and packing things up. I was fully packed and ready so I decided finally to face KK. Now she's been pretty quiet since I've been here and it's rare we really interact. I've learned she likes her solitude and let her have it and just surf the web and play games. I figured I should give some notice before I left, I wanted her to know I wasn't just abandoning her either. She was sitting in the living room just staring out the window when I walked in to speak to her.

"Uh... KK?" I asked almost hesitantly.

"What?" Her voice was quiet, and flat. I was used to it, it's how she usually spoke.

"I... I need to get out for a bit, so, I was going to stay at a hotel.. just for a bit. If you don't mind?" I was really hesitant, I didn't want to offend her I had really appreciated everything she'd done for me in the past week or so. I'd somehow grown fond of them and didn't want to hurt either of them. Maybe... maybe that's one of the reasons I needed to go...

"It's your life. Why should I care what you're doing?" Her voice was still flat and emotionless.

"You've been nice enough to house me and..." I stuttered trying to find the words, trying to be careful not to offend. "I feel I owe you a lot. I'd probably have gone and killed myself if you hadn't knocked some sense into me. You were right... I need to get over Brennon.. but I need some time to myself for closure. I have a lot on my mind and I don't think I can figure it out while I'm here. I won't be gone long. I'll be back after I meet up with Malkin... if... if that's alright with you?" I looked to the ground then I was nervous and musta looked like a school kid with the way i just stared at my feet that I shuffled nervously. I was nervous, and it probably didn't help with how I took what she said next.
"Fine. If you decide to come back, there's room. If you don't, whatever." She never looked at me. no hint of emotion. And... well I was pretty hurt by it. I could feel tears stinging my eyes and I just frowned looking to her in surprise then looked away again quickly.

"I... are you going to be alright? I mean... if you don't want me here I can find somewhere else to go. I don't want to be a burden on you and Derek. I like you two. I just don't want to hurt any feelings or offend. Yes, I know I'm repeating my concern but..." I sighed and looked to her almost hopefully then away sighing again and turned towards the door hesitating, watching the door and listening behind me almost hopeful for what she'd say next. I shouldn't have held my breath... it'd have hurt a lot less.

"Oh, yeah, I really NEED you here. I'll die without you." Her voice was sarcastic, her tone irritated. "Just go, Aiden. I honestly don't care whether or not you come back. It's not like I wanted you here in the first place."

Yeah, that had hurt.  I looked back to her and could feel the tears in my eyes now. The words stung. I don't really know why they hurt so bad, but they did. Actually, I think I knew then, I sure do now.

"You could have kicked me out at any time and I'd have left," I said simply, my voice was growing more irritated, my inner sense of self preservation kicking in to lash out at the one that hurt me. "Seriously... you've been through a lot, I know that. I see that. But hell. you need to stop hiding in your room and accept the help that Derek and I are willing to give you." My voice rose now as I started getting more confidence in my words and what I had to say. "You must have liked me being here to SOME degree, you've never tried to kick me on the stoop. Which, again you could have done at any time. I showed up here when you didn't want me to, and you kept me anyways. How do you expect someone to take that?"

"I EXPECT you to take it as me being generous because I know how fucked-up you get after losing someone," Her irritation rang in her voice. "But if you're going to be a whiny little ass, you can leave and not come back. Your choice." I felt kicked in the balls by this. My air had been kicked out of me by the remark and I took a deep and forced myself to calm down before I could continue.

"I'm not trying to seem that way," I started. "I am grateful for the generosity you've shown. I'm just.. ugh.. I'm worried about you, alright?" I sighed heavily, from relief at getting that off my chest I suppose. "I just... want you to be better... to feel better, and I will be back because I want to do whatever it is I can to help you. I just need a couple days is all, to just... figure myself out. Figure my thoughts and feelings out. I just need some closure."

"Well, I'm probably never GOING to feel any better. So if that's why you're coming back, don't. It won't happen," was her flat reply. I frowned and watched her. She thought I pitied her maybe? Maybe I did a little bit, but there's more to it than that. I just couldn't tell her. Not yet.

"I'm comng back to give support... to you and Derek both." I frowned watching her. My voice trembled slightly over my words as I tried to find the right ones. "Again, I like both of you. I want to help you the way you've helped me."

"If you like me, it's only because you don't know me very well."

I don't believe that." I didn't pause, I spoke immediately standing a little straighter "Derek's a great guy, and I know there's something deep and meaningful between you two. And I know he'd not be that way with just anyone unless they had some good in them." I paused thoughtful of my own words and shrugged a bit. "That's what I feel from him anyways." She just remained silent. I watched her and frowned. I was uncertain what else to say, and figured I should take my leave. "I'll be back in a couple days. If either of you need anything, you both have my e-mail and I left my cell number on the table. Don't hsitate to call or e-mail me" I turned and headed  towards the door almost reluctantly. I felt like I was betraying them both somehow by leaving. "I'm sorry, I just need to do this. You'll explain it to Derek for me, won't you?" I looked to her over my shoulder as I opened the door.

"I'll tell him where you went if he asks, but I'm not explaining shit." She never looked at me even as the door opened.

"I'll explain myself when I get back if I have to, or he can call me. I'll see you Monday." I sighed and left.

After leaving I found a place to get some food, then found an art supplies store. Creating and making art is one of my best ways of finding closure and getting my thoughts out onto paper. And then I took public transport to the river hotel I'd been staying at before I went to KK's. I have a room for the weekend and have been walking the river walk and through the nearby parks. I ate and have been here since about 9pm and now I'm working on this. I have so much more to think over than I originally thought I did. I'm still hurting from KK's words. I'm feeling a bit lonely at not hearing either of them moving around during the night. I feel... lonely.

Tomorrow I'm going to see about another walk in the park, some time outside and wait for Malkin to contact me. I e-mailed him my cell number and told him to call me when he's ready. I'll have him meet me here. It's been pretty quiet and uneventful. I've been looking for Slender man to appear. Watching, waiting. I have yet to see Him. I'm glad I have this time to just stop and think. To unwind and have my thoughts to myself.

I think I'm going to leave it at this and try and get some drawing in. got some of the nice supplies they had here. Thankfully brands are pretty much the same on this side. Lots to think over... Hopefully in time I'll feel better. I'll see ya all later, and Malkin, remember to call me when you're ready. I'll be here and my cell's always on.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Life goes on.

Still here with Derek and KK. Still forever thankful of the hospitality they've shown. I must say that Derek and I have hit it off pretty ell. He's friendly and very likeable. I enjoy hanging out with him and playing games. I do my extra deeds and chores around the place to help with my keep, and I put in to help with food and other necessary supplies.

Right now though, everything just seems... off. And I have to admit, I'm kind of having a pretty massive panic attack. I'm just hiding in the corner on my laptop and typing this out. Some of you may have seen Derek's post. I can't help but feel helpless and unable to do something about this. KK may come off as a despicable bitch to a lot of people. A tough guy, a know it all. But KK is something more, she's a survivor, and a fighter and one of the best people that I must say I now have the honor of knowing. She is quiet, she still hides and is on her own, but there's this... I don't know how to explain it. She cares, even if she doesn't show it, she does care. I honestly thought that what Derek had mentioned was just part of her character, part of who she is. Now I'm ashamed that I hadn't asked anything about her sooner. I'm sorry KK. I'm sorry if I came out as a pompous ass that doesn't care. That's not the case at all. Quite the opposite in fact. I'm here if you need anything. All you need to do is ask.

Also, there's this issue with Malkin. Has anyone seen what I did to him? And he wants me to meet up with them. How am I supposed to just not worry about this? How am I supposed to ignore the fact that it did happen and that I could have killed him? And they want to see me? I'm sure Chastin will start beating the piss out of me. I almost burnt down the house around them. I could have killed them! I could have killed them and they want to meet up with me?! Add into the whole fact that I don't want to leave Derek and KK here alone. I have no idea where anything is in this city and I'm slowly breaking down from just about everything right now.

Oh my best friend and ex lover Taben saved the person that killed my husband. How the FUCK DO I HANDLE THAT?! Oh to make matters worse he's now apparently serving her and not the Slender Man clone known as It? What the fuck?!

Let's add into the mess that my soul sister is on her way here to meet up with me and I seriously don't know if this is a good idea! I do not want her dead! I don't want her to die. I love her to bits and want her safe. But if she does this and continues with this by Gods she may be dead.

It's sad. I used to love getting together with all my friends and loved ones for these little get togethers and parties. But now, now I'm just.. .scared. I have been having dreams of Brennon constantly. I feel like I'm betraying him I 'm falling apart from how I feel. I don't know what to do or how to react to everything. I don't have someone I can just turn to and talk to anymore and I can't place that burden on Derek or KK. It's not their burden to bear. You know, I should have known this whole fucking hatchling thing was a terrible fucking illusion. I should have fucking known! I should have known when I had to listen to Brennon's muffled screams as he died, when I couldn't break through the duct takes them I should have known. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! And now he's gone. He died and I couldn't help him... and now my friends are all going to die and I can't help them... for the first time in a very long time I feel helpless... I want to just.. curl up in bed clinging to Brennon and crying like a little girl... but I can, Because Brennon's gone... and that's all my fault. And I have to learn to live with that.

It's pretty hard to do. Wish I could be more like KK in that sense.