Tuesday, November 29, 2011

An update on life

First off, I want to apologize first for such extensive breaks between posts. I'm just tiered and busy and have been drowning in my thoughts. That and the whole busy thing has been well uneventful busy.

Second, I want to apologize for my typos and grammar errors. I don't remember the last time I've had a full sleep instead of just a nap. I've been uneventfully busy and keeping on the watch for things we don't want to deal with. Well, really it's mostly taking care of Malkin and stuff. You probably saw what he had posted about on his journal but, he left a lot out and got some stuff confused a bit. I can't blame him, he was in and out of consciousness at best and when he was cognitive it was him in a proxy trance wanting to get at me and get free of my restraints on him.

Ok, maybe I should start from the beginning of that night. We had gone to bed earlier that night. I was tired, Mal was tired so we went to bed. We've been sharing a bed since we... uh.. made things between us official. Yeah, but.. that's beside the point. In the middle of the night I was jolted awake by the inability to breathe and felt something clamped tightly around my neck. When I finally came to completely it was Malkin. He had a glazed look in his eye and was over me that one mangled arm of his stretched out and the hand clamped around my throat and choking me.

The first thing that came to my mind was that I was going to lose the last person I had. I was going to lose Malkin. He was going to kill me. I remember thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. That I'd be with everyone I lost again. And then I was snapped out of that by the look of fear that suddenly passed over Malkin's face. That gave me the urge to fight. He was still there in some part, he just had problems fighting this. So I had to fight for him. I had to fight and get back at Slender Man for what he had done to my family. He was my prey I was going to kill him. Unable to break Malkin's grip with my hands I purposely fell out of bed and onto the floor rolling as I did. This thankfully loosened his grip and I got free. He was just perched on the edge of the bed looking at me, that blank expression on his face, his eyes glazed over. I was moving to get up when I was pushed back painfully on the ground. Malkin was over me and he was punching and grabbing at me. I pushed him off forcibly and pinned him to the ground, turned the tide on him so to say. I managed to get him wrapped in the bed sheets to help restrain him and tried to figure out what to do. He didn't even fight now. He just sat there in a trance, staring at me blankly. Now and then he'd try to fight against his restraints. I just watched uncertainly. I wasn't sure what I could do, all I knew is that if I didn't do anything, I'd lose Malkin, and then I’d truly be alone. I wasn't ready to lose another person I loved, so, what I did next was the only choice I had.

See, he had been fine until this infection hit his arm, this Proxifying substance or whatever the fuck it was. He had been fine until that injury, and everything seemed to stem from that arm. So the only choice I had was to remove it. It was either have Malkin lose his arm and hopefully get better, or for me to lose Malkin. I wasn't about to let the latter be the case so I did what I did in an act of desperation. I dragged Malkin into the kitchen still wrapped in the bed sheets I freed his arm and found the means to tie it to the leg of a table. He fought trying to get at me but did nothing otherwise. I searched through the cupboards an found a large cast iron cooking skillet. I turned the burner on the stove on and placed the pan on the burner to allow it to get hot. When I did this I'd need something to help stem the blood flow so he didn't bleed to death. The pan would act as a means of cauterization for the stump of his arm. I tied his circulation off at his shoulder and worked to try and restrain the arm as much as possible. I went and started looking through the closets for something to help with the removal. I managed to find a hand saw hidden away in the closet and decided that would have to work for the purpose I needed it for. I returned to the kitchen and looked to Malkin he was crying and he was fighting asking me repeatedly what was wrong and what happened.

“The arm's going” Was all I said and held up the saw. Malkin's eyes went wide and he started screaming and struggling and crying.

“We can go the the hospital! Please let's go to the hospital! I'll die! We can't do it here please!” He was struggling and trying to get control of the situation and get loose.

I shook my head and left. I went through the closest and chests again until I found something I thought would help. I found a bottle in the medicine cabinet. To think the whole time we'd been here and we had never looked in here. There were enough pills in there to keep someone sedated for a year or more. I grabbed some of the strongest I could find and moved back to where Malkin was, I got a glass of milk for him and moved to sit beside him. He was sniffling and sobbing.

“I'm not going to lose you. I refuse to. You're turning into Chastin. You're becoming a proxy. The arm has to go.” I pet the side of his cheek gently and kissed him “It'll be alright. I'll take care of you. I promise.”

You're right,” He stammered and sniffled and I just held him close. “I'm scared Ai, I'm really scared, it'll hurt, I won't be able to not scream.”

“It's fine, love,” I said “I have something that will help you sleep through this.” I held up the bottle. “We'll go one at a time until you're out alright? I'll take care of you, I promise. I have a skillet heating up. It'll help stop the blood flow. I will NOT let you die. I swear to that.”

“I know you won't,” He looked at me with some semblance of a smile on his face and I held him close and fed him a couple pills and helped him drink them down with milk. I just held and rubbed his back and kissed him until he fell asleep, it took about a half an hour. When he was out and even the strongest shakes didn't wake him I set to work. There are some things in life that people never expect or want to have to do. This was one of mine. It took me time to calm my nerves for what I had to do. I removed Malkin's shirt, double checked my restraints on him and then... well... Nothing ever prepares someone for this. I think I was just sitting there with the saw in place for moments. And.. then I started. The sound of the blade as I sawed into Malkin's arm was horrifying, like the tearing and ripping of wet cloth, except this wasn't cloth, it was muscle. You know what was even more horrifying? When Malkin woke up and started screaming. I stopped immediately and tied his arm off to stave the blood flow and wrapped the blanket around his arm. I was in tears at this, I was scared. He was screaming and crying and asking me to stop that it hurt and all I could do was cry and feed him more pills. I had to keep going I had to muffle and gag him with his shirt but he still struggled. I had to work with him struggling and screaming through his gag for several minutes before he lost consciousness, either from the pain or from the medicine taking affect. The sound of a saw going through bone, the crunching crackling grinding noise it makes there's just no way you can just forget that. There's no way I can even try and forget it, Gods know I've tried. So very hard I've tried. And I still remember it. I still dream about it. It felt like it took forever but eventually the arm was removed and I grabbed the scalding hot skillet and there was a loud sizzling and the smell of seared flesh as I scalded and cauterized the wound. Blood and puss and black ooze was all over the floor. I untied Malkin and took him to the shower, undressed him and bathed him holding him close and keeping a close eye on him. I laid him on the couch as I worked to clean up the mess that was in the kitchen now thanks to what I had just done. I cleaned everything up and took the arm and all the bloody rags and everything and bagged it all and took it and threw it in the dumpster. After wards I took the a long hot shower and threw our clothes into the washer and moved Malkin to bed and kept an eye on him the rest of the night.

I've been doing pretty much that since. We've remained here and haven't left. I've been nervous and scared and worried. I'm afraid Malkin hates me for what I did. I did what needed to be done, right? If that's the case then why do I still feel like a monster? I feel like a terrible person. I just.. don't know anymore. I love him. I'm scared though... how can he return those feelings? To me? A monster. I took his arm off.

I feel like I'm somehow a failure. I was supposed to protect him... but look at this. Look at what I did. How can anyone love a monster like me. I'm not a protector. I'm far from it.

I don't even know where to go from here. I'm tempted to just.. go... leave everything here to Malkin and go. If I'm not here, he'll be safe, right? Or will he? I'm never certain anymore.

I made a small dinner for thanksgiving. Malkin said it was good. I don't know. I guess it might have been. I've just been so sleep deprived. I feel weak and like I'm going to crash any moment. I sleep, and I see those memories. The nightmares are terrible. Always nightmares. I just need to hold out a bit longer. Just a bit longer. And then Malkin will be safe, and then I'll go. I'll go and make sure Malkin's safe. He'll be safer without me. Just a matter of time.

Anyways enough of my going on and on. It's time for a short nap. Before Malkin wakes up and realizes I'm not in bed and starts yelling at me. I really do love him, he takes care of me. It's just gonna be hard to leave him. Or for him to really understand my reasons.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Last Man Standing

I don't even know what to make of this. Any of this. It was, it was just supposed to be a small ritual. I've done this every year for the past several. Always with Brennon before... but now.... now it was just me. Malkin helped, but I know he didn't completely understand the importance of this for me. I don't think he saw or heard what I did... he probably didn't understand what was going on even, not... not until she showed up.

I guess... I guess I should start from the beginning... shouldn't I?

So, I did an ancestral spirit conjure for Samhain. Brennon and I always did it to speak with the ones we lost. Samhain is a time when the veils that separate the physical plane from the spirit plane are very thin and this it is easier for spirits to cross over and for us to communicate with them. It's a very sacred time to many on my path as it's a time to celebrate and remember those we lost and loved. And those that helped us find our path in life.

I went with every tradition I had always used. I made a very nice traditional meal. A beef roast, fresh homemade bread, and some seasonal vegetables. I cleansed the apartment with some white sage and lavender and started setting up small altars at the four directional points of the apartment. The aroma in the house was entrancing to say the least, all the scents melding together was quite magical. And really helped us relax. I talked to Malkin over the dinner about what I had planned and what I was going to do. I explained the ritual to him and what I wanted him to do. His part in it was pretty simple, just sit there and concentrate and lend me his energies. He agreed to it and we sat and relaxed a bit after dinner just talking about stuff. It was nice really. After all the excitement it was nice to have some downtime and just... well sit and talk with Malkin. No interruptions, no angst, no proxies and no one else in the apartment. Just he and I. So we enjoyed the time alone together. And after a while I prepped for the ritual. More incense and smudging. Then in the center of the points made myself comfortable on some pillows and blankets. With Malkin next to me I started the ritual. Started the concentration. Just like I had done every year since I had been with Brennon. We had always done it together. This year I was doing it alone. Just Malkin and myself.

So I started my concentration I felt myself feeding off the energy Malkin lent me. And then they came. Mom, Dad, Sam and Dean. They came together just showed up and I could feel their warm, loving embrace as their spirits circled me and wished me well and spoke of their happiness and their sorrow and their love. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't done this kind of Pagan ritual how it feels. You see and feel them but don't hear them. You communicate with the spirits through your thoughts and their feelings. You feel what they want to say instead of hearing it. Their visage appears to the caller(s) as a soft haze or a smoke. You feel them, you can smell them, and know their emotions. I had no idea why there was so much sorrow. I wish I could understand what it was that made them sad. I didn't and they didn't give me any feel of it. And as soon as I saw them and had felt them and 'heard' them, they were gone. And then Taben, Ryan and Brennon were there. And I think this is when the tears finally came. Brennon I could smell him as I had the last days we were together. I wanted to hold him and embrace him and I felt his warmth his scent and his feelings embraced me. His love and his worry. I know I was crying and I could feel myself calling his name and telling him out loud how much I loved him and how much I missed him and how I wanted to kill Andromeda for what she had done but that would be wrong. My gods having Brennon there again. And then I felt Taben and Ryan join him. Embrace me and try to help me. Taben always liked to pet my head and I could feel his hands combing through my hair. Ryan was there and silent. He was always silent, hanging back and watching. I tried to feel for Allen. Surely he'd have come with his parents. When I thought this I felt sadness from Taben. Allen wasn't there. What had happened to Allen that he'd not be here? He had been young; only nine, when Slendy took him. Yeah... His spirit had probably already moved on. And then I felt that Brennon and Taben were sad. So very sad. And I didn't understand. They didn't tell. They had to go. And I said my goodbyes. They'd move on, they wouldn't be here for me when I called on them again, their spirits were to move on and live again. And I felt them leaving. I was sobbing now. Calling to them. Telling them I loved them and I missed them and I'd see them in the next life. I could feel Malkin holding me to comfort me. And I starting letting go of my concentration. The ritual was done. Or so I thought it was. Then... then she showed up. And it ripped me apart. My calm disappeared.

I was just cuddled into Malkin and she was there. I couldn't quite place it, Cinnamon and spices? Warmth, love. I was her brother and she was so sorry that she had fallen prey to Him. Branwen. My little sister, Branwen. Only 19 years old. She was visiting me on my spirit call. My spirit call, meant for those who are dead. Not the living. Only the dead can come on this.

She had died. She had been killed. She had been hunted. She was gone. I was alone. Alone. So alone.

I started screaming screaming that I was going to kill slender Man. He had stolen my sister. He had stolen Branwen. Branwen. My sister. My dear loving sister. I loved her. And she's gone. My last family member is gone. She was with me through the start of this. And now she's gone. Gone. GONE! She'd dead. Dead and gone.

Malkin had to pin me down and calm me down. I had gone crazy. I still am crazy I guess. I lost my sister. My little sister. Now I'm alone. She was there through everything. And now she's gone.

Branwen. I love you my sis. I'm so sorry I couldn't save you. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

To everyone else. I'd like to say... my sister, Branwen, is gone. The Slender Man has taken her from this life. I'm so sorry, sis. I love you. I'm sorry I couldn't save you.

Malkin, I love you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I... I don't know if I can, but Gods be damned, I'm going to fight to keep you alive. I'm not going to let you die. I love you and you're all I have left.

I've been slack. I've been slack in what I've been doing. It's time to get back to work. It's time to start devising a plan and start fighting.

My name is Aiden Clarke.

I am being stalked by Slender Man. I have lost my family to Slender Man and his ilk. I won't lose anymore.
I am a fighter.

Slender Man, I swear to the Gods above. I will kill you. Even if it means you take my life.