Tuesday, November 29, 2011

An update on life

First off, I want to apologize first for such extensive breaks between posts. I'm just tiered and busy and have been drowning in my thoughts. That and the whole busy thing has been well uneventful busy.

Second, I want to apologize for my typos and grammar errors. I don't remember the last time I've had a full sleep instead of just a nap. I've been uneventfully busy and keeping on the watch for things we don't want to deal with. Well, really it's mostly taking care of Malkin and stuff. You probably saw what he had posted about on his journal but, he left a lot out and got some stuff confused a bit. I can't blame him, he was in and out of consciousness at best and when he was cognitive it was him in a proxy trance wanting to get at me and get free of my restraints on him.

Ok, maybe I should start from the beginning of that night. We had gone to bed earlier that night. I was tired, Mal was tired so we went to bed. We've been sharing a bed since we... uh.. made things between us official. Yeah, but.. that's beside the point. In the middle of the night I was jolted awake by the inability to breathe and felt something clamped tightly around my neck. When I finally came to completely it was Malkin. He had a glazed look in his eye and was over me that one mangled arm of his stretched out and the hand clamped around my throat and choking me.

The first thing that came to my mind was that I was going to lose the last person I had. I was going to lose Malkin. He was going to kill me. I remember thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. That I'd be with everyone I lost again. And then I was snapped out of that by the look of fear that suddenly passed over Malkin's face. That gave me the urge to fight. He was still there in some part, he just had problems fighting this. So I had to fight for him. I had to fight and get back at Slender Man for what he had done to my family. He was my prey I was going to kill him. Unable to break Malkin's grip with my hands I purposely fell out of bed and onto the floor rolling as I did. This thankfully loosened his grip and I got free. He was just perched on the edge of the bed looking at me, that blank expression on his face, his eyes glazed over. I was moving to get up when I was pushed back painfully on the ground. Malkin was over me and he was punching and grabbing at me. I pushed him off forcibly and pinned him to the ground, turned the tide on him so to say. I managed to get him wrapped in the bed sheets to help restrain him and tried to figure out what to do. He didn't even fight now. He just sat there in a trance, staring at me blankly. Now and then he'd try to fight against his restraints. I just watched uncertainly. I wasn't sure what I could do, all I knew is that if I didn't do anything, I'd lose Malkin, and then I’d truly be alone. I wasn't ready to lose another person I loved, so, what I did next was the only choice I had.

See, he had been fine until this infection hit his arm, this Proxifying substance or whatever the fuck it was. He had been fine until that injury, and everything seemed to stem from that arm. So the only choice I had was to remove it. It was either have Malkin lose his arm and hopefully get better, or for me to lose Malkin. I wasn't about to let the latter be the case so I did what I did in an act of desperation. I dragged Malkin into the kitchen still wrapped in the bed sheets I freed his arm and found the means to tie it to the leg of a table. He fought trying to get at me but did nothing otherwise. I searched through the cupboards an found a large cast iron cooking skillet. I turned the burner on the stove on and placed the pan on the burner to allow it to get hot. When I did this I'd need something to help stem the blood flow so he didn't bleed to death. The pan would act as a means of cauterization for the stump of his arm. I tied his circulation off at his shoulder and worked to try and restrain the arm as much as possible. I went and started looking through the closets for something to help with the removal. I managed to find a hand saw hidden away in the closet and decided that would have to work for the purpose I needed it for. I returned to the kitchen and looked to Malkin he was crying and he was fighting asking me repeatedly what was wrong and what happened.

“The arm's going” Was all I said and held up the saw. Malkin's eyes went wide and he started screaming and struggling and crying.

“We can go the the hospital! Please let's go to the hospital! I'll die! We can't do it here please!” He was struggling and trying to get control of the situation and get loose.

I shook my head and left. I went through the closest and chests again until I found something I thought would help. I found a bottle in the medicine cabinet. To think the whole time we'd been here and we had never looked in here. There were enough pills in there to keep someone sedated for a year or more. I grabbed some of the strongest I could find and moved back to where Malkin was, I got a glass of milk for him and moved to sit beside him. He was sniffling and sobbing.

“I'm not going to lose you. I refuse to. You're turning into Chastin. You're becoming a proxy. The arm has to go.” I pet the side of his cheek gently and kissed him “It'll be alright. I'll take care of you. I promise.”

You're right,” He stammered and sniffled and I just held him close. “I'm scared Ai, I'm really scared, it'll hurt, I won't be able to not scream.”

“It's fine, love,” I said “I have something that will help you sleep through this.” I held up the bottle. “We'll go one at a time until you're out alright? I'll take care of you, I promise. I have a skillet heating up. It'll help stop the blood flow. I will NOT let you die. I swear to that.”

“I know you won't,” He looked at me with some semblance of a smile on his face and I held him close and fed him a couple pills and helped him drink them down with milk. I just held and rubbed his back and kissed him until he fell asleep, it took about a half an hour. When he was out and even the strongest shakes didn't wake him I set to work. There are some things in life that people never expect or want to have to do. This was one of mine. It took me time to calm my nerves for what I had to do. I removed Malkin's shirt, double checked my restraints on him and then... well... Nothing ever prepares someone for this. I think I was just sitting there with the saw in place for moments. And.. then I started. The sound of the blade as I sawed into Malkin's arm was horrifying, like the tearing and ripping of wet cloth, except this wasn't cloth, it was muscle. You know what was even more horrifying? When Malkin woke up and started screaming. I stopped immediately and tied his arm off to stave the blood flow and wrapped the blanket around his arm. I was in tears at this, I was scared. He was screaming and crying and asking me to stop that it hurt and all I could do was cry and feed him more pills. I had to keep going I had to muffle and gag him with his shirt but he still struggled. I had to work with him struggling and screaming through his gag for several minutes before he lost consciousness, either from the pain or from the medicine taking affect. The sound of a saw going through bone, the crunching crackling grinding noise it makes there's just no way you can just forget that. There's no way I can even try and forget it, Gods know I've tried. So very hard I've tried. And I still remember it. I still dream about it. It felt like it took forever but eventually the arm was removed and I grabbed the scalding hot skillet and there was a loud sizzling and the smell of seared flesh as I scalded and cauterized the wound. Blood and puss and black ooze was all over the floor. I untied Malkin and took him to the shower, undressed him and bathed him holding him close and keeping a close eye on him. I laid him on the couch as I worked to clean up the mess that was in the kitchen now thanks to what I had just done. I cleaned everything up and took the arm and all the bloody rags and everything and bagged it all and took it and threw it in the dumpster. After wards I took the a long hot shower and threw our clothes into the washer and moved Malkin to bed and kept an eye on him the rest of the night.

I've been doing pretty much that since. We've remained here and haven't left. I've been nervous and scared and worried. I'm afraid Malkin hates me for what I did. I did what needed to be done, right? If that's the case then why do I still feel like a monster? I feel like a terrible person. I just.. don't know anymore. I love him. I'm scared though... how can he return those feelings? To me? A monster. I took his arm off.

I feel like I'm somehow a failure. I was supposed to protect him... but look at this. Look at what I did. How can anyone love a monster like me. I'm not a protector. I'm far from it.

I don't even know where to go from here. I'm tempted to just.. go... leave everything here to Malkin and go. If I'm not here, he'll be safe, right? Or will he? I'm never certain anymore.

I made a small dinner for thanksgiving. Malkin said it was good. I don't know. I guess it might have been. I've just been so sleep deprived. I feel weak and like I'm going to crash any moment. I sleep, and I see those memories. The nightmares are terrible. Always nightmares. I just need to hold out a bit longer. Just a bit longer. And then Malkin will be safe, and then I'll go. I'll go and make sure Malkin's safe. He'll be safer without me. Just a matter of time.

Anyways enough of my going on and on. It's time for a short nap. Before Malkin wakes up and realizes I'm not in bed and starts yelling at me. I really do love him, he takes care of me. It's just gonna be hard to leave him. Or for him to really understand my reasons.

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