Saturday, October 13, 2012

5 Months?

Dammit where has time gone? I can't believe I nearly forgot about this. I mean... seriously. How the fuck can someone like me forget about this shit, especially after all that's happened. I'll tell you how.

I have been fucking busy. I mean really fucking busy. We've been working on getting the old place fixed up and rebuilt. We've expanded it and are adding some extras to it. there was a nice insurance settlement on the house. Oh and then there was all of the damned court shit and what not. Cause, you know, I can't get away scott free for setting me and my late husband's house on fire. Of course it's been fine. I was crazy when it happened and have only had to have a counselor and some pills. It's been pretty easy since then. Well busy. But things seem to have gotten so much better for me since we've come back. Malkin's with me. We're getting along great. We work on the house and relax. Well the best we can anyways. Malkin's been a little at unrest and paranoid. He says nothing's wrong but I know it is. I don't pry though. He'll tell me when he's ready. I'm a patient man and can wait forever.

I can't really think of much to say. I'll try and write more here. The house reconstruction's almost complete and we'll possibly moving back into it in the not too distant future. Will be nice to be back to it and be able to begin living a normal life. At least as normal as it can get after you've been stalked by a faceless abomination and sent on the crazy train because of it. Honestly, since I've been keeping busy and on the meds I've not seen no-face. I refuse to take it as a good sign. But I will take it as something at least.

Anyways, time to get to the construction site and get back to work. Gonna be a nice day for working.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Alive and busy

That's pretty much a jist of how things have been here. Between work, and everything else I've been busy. I don't feel at liberty to say what's going on. Malkin's asked me to keep the details out, and I'm respecting that request. Things have been semi normal. We haven't seen It for a while. We move along our day to day lives and just kind of run things as best as we can. I wish I could just go on living like this and pretend that life hasn't been a living hell for the past year and a half. Gods. Has it really been that long?

Brennon and I woulda celebrated our one year wedding anniversary on April 30th... woulda been a year. Funny how much can change in a year.

Well, I'll be off now. Got stuff to do before the day's done with. I'll try to get to updating more than once every few months... it's just been so busy. I guess we'll see.

Monday, March 12, 2012

As We Run

I just sighed and just stared ahead as I drove along the stretch of highway somewhere between Portland and Akron; watching the headlights illuminate nothing and everything all at once. I took a deep breath looked to the passenger seat at Malkin. He lay back sleeping peacefully. The arguments that we’ve been having have been horrendous. I’m ready and willing to move back to his hometown in Ohio. Malkin, he was scared shitless; probably still is. He didn’t want it. I had argued had my point hard. Our argument’s still haunting me like a dark melody even as I drove along the inky highway to our next hotel destination.

“I don’t feel safe out here; I know Chastin’s watching. I know… I know He’s watching too!” Malkin had pleaded his case heavily. “We’re not going to be safe, they know how to find us, there’s no stopping them!” I had been frustrated.
“The house will be our safe haven,” he had tried to persuade him. “It’s always been our safe have, it was a promise. We were promised we’d be safe there!”

“It’s not the same anymore, Ai, He doesn’t have control over you like He used to have.” Malkin eyes bounced with tears as he pleaded. “Please, let’s just stay here! KK left her place to us. We have it here. We can get jobs, we can hide—“

“No,” I interrupted Malkin more harshly than I had intended. “Listen, Malkin, trust me, please? Trust me, babe. We’ll be fine. I’m not going to hide anymore! I refuse to keep hiding!” It was my turn to plead my own case. I was nearly on hands and knees begging, I could feel my own eyes watering.

“Ai…” Malkin hesitated and reached his hand out to his me sighing in a mix of frustration and compliance. “ok… okay. I’m just scared.” My only response was to pull Malkin into a tight hug and just hold him, despite the fact that I’m at least a foot shorter.
“I’ll keep you safe,” My desperation was heavy in my voice. “I swear to the Gods above, I’ll keep you safe. I love you Malkin, I won’t let anything happen to you! I’ll keep you safe.” Malkin frowned with worry rubbing my back.

“It’s not you I don’t trust,” he looked around as though he didn’t even trust the empty apartment building that they were standing in. “It’s everyone else, everything else. It’s the circumstances. No one’s safe from Him. No one.”

“I’ll give him my service if that’s what it takes to get him to leave you alone and keep you safe.” My tone was matter of fact.

“NO!” Malkin pushed me away with his one arm as he screamed at him. “You will NOT do that. Dammit Ai! Promise me you won’t take that way. I don’t care about anything else just do NOT give yourself to Him like that!”

That had been the last of the words that had been spoken. I had regretted saying anything of the sort and had pulled Malkin into a deep passionate kiss and had whispered wordless promises of safety and contentment. We’d left the apartment early the next morning and now here we are on their way to our temporary home. Just until the house was rebuilt. Malkin doesn’t want it, but he’s come to see how things would be better. We’ll be fine. There will be a semblance of the old days. Too many people have been lost in the last few months, but whatever helps, helps
So here we are, two more days and we’ll be to our new home. A temporary reprieve from our nightmare of a life. Now if we can just continue on without infecting anyone else. I’ll never be able to forgive if I cause more, good people to be lost. I will never be able to live with myself if that happens.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Back to fighting.

So, I guess that was the wake up call I needed.  It's good to know one of my allies are alive. I'm not sure with most others anymore. Malkin's the only one I thought I had left. Then I saw that Xi posted. And somehow that's helped me. It's not so bad, is it? I have a lot to talk to Malkin about. I want to meet with Brennon's family... I want to talk to them and see what's going on. I want to see if they can forgive me for their actions. I'm going to make something of the ashes and nothing that my home has become. The sanctuary will be built again. I swear it. I'm going to fight. I promised Brennon and Branwen that I would. So I'm going to.

Now to get up the gall to talk to Malkin. I hope he'll see things my way and agree with me. After that we're going to get our stuff from Portland and move back this way. I'll be working on blue prints, and looking for a job. And... making a deal with the devil, so to say. Hopefully things play in my favor. Time will tell I guess. Wish us luck.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Happy Birthday

Happy Belated Birthday, Taben.

Taben's birthday would have been this weekend. He'd have been 32.

We had a small 'party' in his honor. He was gone in the head when we lost him, didn't make me love him any less.

I don't know what to do.

Malkin wants to head back home to Portland and the apartment. I just... don't know. I really just... don't know. I feel so lost....

Someone help me...

Tuesday, February 7, 2012


Wind is blowing
Knocking on my window
He looks in.
I feel Him.
His lack of eyes on me

I close my eyes.
Hide under the covers
Pray to the Gods.
He can't
See me

My time's not up.
I'm not ready
He can't
Not yet
I have days

It is not
My time
Not yet.

As long as I do not
He will not
Claim me.

I'm not His to claim

Not yet.

Not ever.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012


I just woke up. and I was here. in this shell of a house in the cold. It's freezing here. Ash and rubble and then Him. He was there staring at me. Watching me. It's quiet. the wind blowing through the bare branches. And then... this... Him. There. Just staring. A blank faceless stare. Just staring. Staring. Watching. He sees into me. My thoughts feelings. I should be afraid. I'm not. I'm angry. It's over. But it's not. Why... would they do that to me. Why would I ever think about them doing that. treating me like that. It can't be real. It wasn't real. But at the same time. It feels real. The violation I felt is real, that I still feel. It's real. And I can't brush it off. It won't go away.

I'll just stay here. Hide. Ignore it. Hide. Try to keep warmth in my body. Fuck. It's so fucking cold. His gaze isn't helping. Just staring at me like that. Fuck. I need to get out of here. But I can't move.


Friday, January 27, 2012

Have to get out.

It's not real. Not real at all. I don't know where I am but this isn't real. Branwen would never do that. Ever. She's not like that. Why would she do that? It's not Branwen. And Brennon would never stand back and just watch.

I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm lost. I know this is some figment of my imagination and it didn't happen but I still feel so... violated, and confused and scared. She'd never do that. And she'd never call me those things. Brennon would never stand back and watch and laugh like that. I can't see Branwen ever saying those things or calling me those things. this can't be real.

And if it is... I'm better off to just be.. dead... Gone.

With friends like this, who needs enemies....?

Malkin where are you? I'm scared. I need you. I love you.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Things are getting interesting

I'm confused and uncertain of what to think on how they are lately. I came home from shopping with Brennon. My parents, Sam and Dean were there. They were excited to see me and hug me. I've been concerned confused and a bit frightened since then.

See, I saw the remnants of my parents after the fire that claimed them. wedding rings bone fragments tooth fillings and what not. I had to identify Sam and Dean's bodies when I went to claim them and sign a bunch of stuff. Doctor's told me they were gone. there were death certificates signed and all.

I'm starting to think Malkin's right. But... I don't know. I'm so confused. I'm scared. If this is all a dream, where am I? Why can't I be found. Why can't Malkin find me. Branwen's been trying to comfort me and help me out. She's confused and uncertain. She doesn't know what to suggest. I'm afraid. Afraid I guess, to accept the truth... whatever it may be. I want so hard to believe this as the truth, but I'm just not sure anymore. I'm so scared and confused. I wish someone were here to help me.

I wish you were here Malkin. I wish you could save me.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Good day

Today was a very good day. We went out and did some geocaching. It was great. I never thought I'd get to do that again. I'm surprised really, it's so warm and sunny this time of winter. But I'm not going to argue with it! Brennon and I just cuddled up and watched shows together when we got back. We saw Branwen off to campus. She's starting college this spring. putting everything behind her. I'm so proud of her and it's just so good to know she is alright and that I didn't lose my little sis.

Allen's been doing well and I've been trying to be a good parental figure to him. We drew played some games did he geocaching and he went to bed in prep for his first day back to school tomorrow after winter break.

It's like a dream come true. If this is a dream, I never want to wake up...

...I just wish Malkin was here... miss him... I never really got a chance to tell him just how much I cared. If you see this babe, it's fine. We're not pushing you away and we'd like you to be with us. I love you. I'm just.. scared. I don't want to lose you. Come to the house, please. You'll be safe here away from Chastin. I'm so scared he's going to come after you again.

I love you. Please be alright. I'll keep posting here in hopes you see it. I love you.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

I can't believe it.

We left Constance's Haven. I wanted to come back here for the New Year. Come full circle. I started my adventure here a year ago, it was only fitting that I return here to let go of the old and begin the new. If I had only known what I'd find. It's like a dream come true.

They saved the house, the house didn't burn all the way and it's been fixed up. Branwen's here. She's here, she's alive. Brennon's here too. What I had seen when I woke that had driven me into madness? Yeah they didn't bother to tell me that he was still alive. He'd gone unconscious from the pain. They saved him. He's bed ridden still and has problems but he's alive. here's here. I've been crying from joy since I've been here. Allen's here too. They found Allen. He's grown. He's safe though. Brennon took over custody of him. Oh my Gods he's alive. It's good to see him.

It's... it's so nice to have some good news for once. So nice to see everyone I love again. I never thought I'd see them it's good to see them. Bran said Todd would be joining us as well.  He's destroyed the Morrigan and is coming home to celebrate. 

This New Year's Day we definitely have something to celebrate. I wish Malkin could be here to join us. I explained it all to Brennon. He liked Malkin. He's willing and happy to have him as part of our family. But when I went outside to get him, he was gone. His car was gone. I... I'm so worried about him. He only has one arm, how can he drive. Gds I hope he's okay. Malkin come back with us! We love you, babe. You're welcome here. Everything's better now! We're home and we're safe!

I can't believe it! I love you all! Thank you for supporting me! Happy New Year! May you have the best year ever!