Tuesday, August 30, 2011
#29 - Love
"But who cares cause my heart is a dark force
to be reckoned with
she took it and ripped it apart
opened it and shredded it
never give love to a pretty girl with a negative outlook
there's no such thing as a friend no benefits
so sweet so elegant, so weak, so intelligent
I forget like the night is my last night
and the past nights mean nothing
so I lose my composure
lost in space cause my worlds over"
3.5x2.5 micron pens,watercolors
and gouache on Illustration board
Love.... it's a really interesting emotion. At first it's this great energizing feeling, then it's agonizing pain when you lose a love that's been part of your life for so long. Brennon was my life, my love. And for the longest time I have felt betrayal for how I am beginning to feel. I've been scared, and worried and uncomfortable. I've felt guilty and angry and a mix of other emotions. I loved Brennon. He was my life. He's gone. And he'd want me to move on. And.. so I shall.
KK and Derek have been wonderful to me. They took me in, they saved me. I had a dream, since all this shit started I had a dream. I was with Derek and KK and we were just... together and laughing and happy. It was just a gorgeous dream. It speaks what I feel in my heart. I thought I was confused, uncertain and just scared of being alone. Then I analyzed the situation. It wasn't that at all. I ran back here as soon as I saw KK's post. I was scared shitless she was going to do to herself what I had wanted her to do to me. I got back and just... I don't know anymore. I had come to terms with what I had felt. I had come to terms with Brennon's death. I'd come to terms that everyone around me that's stuck in this mess is going to die. I'm accepting of this. Bit... not yet. Not KK. Not this soon. I want a chance to tell them. Talk to them. Be with them. I don't give a damned if the time we have is limited. I just want them to know. And I know it's what Brennon would want me to do.
He'd want me to be happy. He'd want me to live my life. And that's what I'm doing. I'm going to live.
I'm here at home with KK and Derek. I'm happy. I'm home. And this is where I want to stay.
I love you guys... KK, Derek, if you read this, I love you. Brennon would want me happy. You guys make me happy. We'll live and die through this together. I'm not leaving. You can't make me.
I love you.