Thursday, August 25, 2011
Life goes on.
Still here with Derek and KK. Still forever thankful of the hospitality they've shown. I must say that Derek and I have hit it off pretty ell. He's friendly and very likeable. I enjoy hanging out with him and playing games. I do my extra deeds and chores around the place to help with my keep, and I put in to help with food and other necessary supplies.
Right now though, everything just seems... off. And I have to admit, I'm kind of having a pretty massive panic attack. I'm just hiding in the corner on my laptop and typing this out. Some of you may have seen Derek's post. I can't help but feel helpless and unable to do something about this. KK may come off as a despicable bitch to a lot of people. A tough guy, a know it all. But KK is something more, she's a survivor, and a fighter and one of the best people that I must say I now have the honor of knowing. She is quiet, she still hides and is on her own, but there's this... I don't know how to explain it. She cares, even if she doesn't show it, she does care. I honestly thought that what Derek had mentioned was just part of her character, part of who she is. Now I'm ashamed that I hadn't asked anything about her sooner. I'm sorry KK. I'm sorry if I came out as a pompous ass that doesn't care. That's not the case at all. Quite the opposite in fact. I'm here if you need anything. All you need to do is ask.
Also, there's this issue with Malkin. Has anyone seen what I did to him? And he wants me to meet up with them. How am I supposed to just not worry about this? How am I supposed to ignore the fact that it did happen and that I could have killed him? And they want to see me? I'm sure Chastin will start beating the piss out of me. I almost burnt down the house around them. I could have killed them! I could have killed them and they want to meet up with me?! Add into the whole fact that I don't want to leave Derek and KK here alone. I have no idea where anything is in this city and I'm slowly breaking down from just about everything right now.
Oh my best friend and ex lover Taben saved the person that killed my husband. How the FUCK DO I HANDLE THAT?! Oh to make matters worse he's now apparently serving her and not the Slender Man clone known as It? What the fuck?!
Let's add into the mess that my soul sister is on her way here to meet up with me and I seriously don't know if this is a good idea! I do not want her dead! I don't want her to die. I love her to bits and want her safe. But if she does this and continues with this by Gods she may be dead.
It's sad. I used to love getting together with all my friends and loved ones for these little get togethers and parties. But now, now I'm just.. .scared. I have been having dreams of Brennon constantly. I feel like I'm betraying him I 'm falling apart from how I feel. I don't know what to do or how to react to everything. I don't have someone I can just turn to and talk to anymore and I can't place that burden on Derek or KK. It's not their burden to bear. You know, I should have known this whole fucking hatchling thing was a terrible fucking illusion. I should have fucking known! I should have known when I had to listen to Brennon's muffled screams as he died, when I couldn't break through the duct takes them I should have known. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! And now he's gone. He died and I couldn't help him... and now my friends are all going to die and I can't help them... for the first time in a very long time I feel helpless... I want to just.. curl up in bed clinging to Brennon and crying like a little girl... but I can, Because Brennon's gone... and that's all my fault. And I have to learn to live with that.
It's pretty hard to do. Wish I could be more like KK in that sense.