Tuesday, September 13, 2011

#27- Seeking Solace

Eternal winter in the heart
Doubt seeks warmth beside me
Impossible to stall the seconds
Saturate the self in silence
Serve the heart
The ties that bind
This spirit seeking solace
3.5x2.5 Watercolors, Micron pens and gouache
on illustration board

Things are calming down here. I've been helping Brandy open up and be a part of the group... well the group that's just her, Chas, Mal and myself. There's been a lot going on, well not a lot but a lot. I won't divulge too much. The biggest thing I'm going to cover is this picture here. This card. part of my challenge. Seeking Solace.

This came from a dream. And it's been bothering me for a while now, even more so since what happened to Derek happened. I had been becoming increasingly more tense and frustrated and upset. A day or so after Malkin and Chastin had come to stay here, Malkin approached me.
 He'd been playing video games when he finally approached me. I was so engulfed in what I was needing to do that the poke in the side I received took me completely by surprise and I looked at him. He looked worried, maybe concerned. A bit afraid. It worried me.

"What's up?" I finally asked frowning with worry. "Are you alright?" I stuttered as I noticed the clock and the time. It was after two in the afternoon. I'd forgotten lunch. "Err shit... I'm late on starting lunch.. sorry just got... side tracked." I hurried to get my stuff cleaned up and go get something of lunch started. Malkin stopped me placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Wait... it isn't that. I just wanted to..." He hesitated slightly "Well, know if you were alright. You seem like something's upsetting you, and I know a lot of bad things have happened over the last couple of days so... I dunno." He looked at his feet. "I was just worried about you." I paused and looked to Malkin. He was worried and bothered. Because of me? And he blamed me for worrying too much.

"I don't know, I just have a lot on my mind is all." I started, yeah there's a lot on my mind the thing bothering most was what had happened with Derek, and this card I had made. "With Derek and all... and just some other things." I sighed and sat down heavily in my chair again and pointed to the chair beside me. "Sit down and... and look at this. I... I had finished it a couple days before what happened had happened." I rustled through my stuff and pulled out one of my recently finished challenge cards. The card that's here at the top of this post. I pushed it towards Malkin in it's protective sleeve. "I had a dream about it. So I drew it. What do you make of it, because I have no clue how to take this." He studied the card for a little while thoughtfully before speaking.

"All I can really say is that it's disturbing." He frowned stuttering slightly a shiver washing over his body. "When I see it, it reminds me of my encounter with... Him... last weekend. But you say you dreamed this before what happened to Derek?" He shook his head. "I don't know."

"Yeah, a couple days before." I sighed shaking my head. "It's been bothering me, and I'm angry for not saying anything to them. I didn't think it meant anything though. It's just really frustrating. I think it's related somehow though. I remember this figure being KK... but not... if that makes sense. I don't know. She was still out cold at the time. I didn't think anything of it. I wish i had. Derek might be sace. I will never forgive myself if he dies."

"I don't blame you for ignoring it," Malkin frowned. "It was just a dream after all, and how could you know what would eventually happen?"
"Because, other things have." I frowned looking away ashamed of myself now.

"Don't blame yourself for what happened," he put his hand on mine comfortingly. I felt my skin prickle with seeming excitement at the contact and was instantly thankful for his touch and part of me was longing to tell him... other things that were on my mind. "Derek will get better. I know it's probably hard to trust Andromeda, but I'm sure she knows what she's doing." And like that the sensation I was feeling disappeared and I was angry.

 "She killed Brennon and Taben! Of course it's hard to trust her! I thought you hated her and were as untrusting of her as I was?!" I couldn't control my anger and I pulled away from his touch glaring at him. "Who's to say she won't rip him to pieces and eat his innards?!" I think his calmness pissed me off even more as he spoke. And at the same time I wanted to just pull him into a hug and kiss him in the most passionate and appreciative way I could. God dammit he knew how to play me.

"You're right, I do hate her. But right now she's probably the only hope Derek has." He leaned back in his chair and sighed. "What else can we do but trust her?" I sighed calming down.

"Yeah I know, it's just hard."I shook my head, more to try and push away the desires and emotions that were overtaking me than for any other reason. "I'm just... yeah I have a lot on my mind. I've a lot of responsibility right now. I have you guys here and now Brandy. I wish I could get her to calm down and open up to us. I'm worried that she's so uncomfortable and hiding away so much."

"I know what you mean," Malkin said with a nod. "I don't want to bother her though. She's been through a lot. Don't worry about it, Ai. She'll come around when she's ready." I nodded and looked to him worried now.

"What about you though," I frowned. "You've been pretty quiet, how are you doing?"

"As well as anyone can do when they're missing fingers and their arm is a mutilated hunk of meat." He managed a half hearted laugh. "It's been interesting trying to play video games with all these bandages on my arm and only three fingers. At least I only lost ones I rarely use. I'm mostly doing my best to see the brighter side of things." I wanted to kiss him for that. It proved the point I'd been thinking of all a long. It took everything to keep myself from doing it too. I was smiling like an idiot I'm sure.

"That's the best weapon in the situation we're in," I said the smile still prominent. "Well, second best at least."

"What's the best?" He asked as he readjusted his arm and looked up to me with a curious smile.
 I hesitated and felt my face go red with embarrassment, afraid of admitting to him how I felt, admitting what I wanted to say. I quickly diffused the subject by changing the subject.

"You hungry," I asked. simple and to the point. And I went to the kitchen so he couldn't see the tension and embarrassment as much.

"A littl," He frowned and grimaced at the thought. "The pain meds might make me puke if I eat anything though.

"What meds are you on?" I asked "I may know a remedy to help it... or I'll make something that won't bother you as much. You need to eat, babe. We can't have you starving yourself." I paused as I noticed my slip and flushed a deeper red. I hesitated before asking almost nervously. "When will Chastin be back? Is he going to be back in time for dinner?" He looked at the clock, he didn't seem to notice my slip, or that's how it seemed anyways. 
"He said he was going to be working late tonight." He said, "As for me I'll eat a little but I'm sure I can only eat soup." I shrugged and nodded and took his word for it and started working on making a can of soup for him.

"He's been working late a lot," I said the suspicion strong in my voice. "Are you sure he's... well... sorry....nevermind. You'd know him best I guess." I felt stupid and angry fro even suggesting to him thath is boyfriend was a proxy. That's the perfect way to get someone to trust me.

"It's alright," he said with a shrug. "I understand your concern. I just... I don't think we need to be fighting amongst ourselves right now." He sighed heavily. I wanted to move over and just hug him and comfort him and... well a lot of other stuff as well.  I don't know what's going on with me anymore. Why I feel this way. But then again. Love is the strongest weapon that we have against Slender Man. And Malkin is a sweet person, good looking. caring. all the qualities..... but.. that's a different story for a different day.... I'm explaining this card. Right. Lots of stuff coming back to mind recalling this. my apologies for that. I've been extremely emotionally charged lately. Anyways.. where was I.... oh right. I made Malkin soup. And we talked. and I continued to fight my desire to just hug and kiss him and give him all the attention that Chastin didn't give him anymore and... well yeah. I finally divulged a lot of feelings and emotions to him. But what he wishes to reveal in regards to that I'll leave completely up to him.

Anyways in other news, If anyone saw the post Brandy made yesterday? This one right here? See the comment? Yeah, Malkin saw me screaming with joy when Brandy pointed it out to me. I think that's the kicker and what we needed to get us out of the awkward silence. We've been talking and interacting. She's been a lot more talkative and trying to fit in. I explained everything to her and just worked to help her out and stuff. She's a very sweet and quiet girl. She just needs time, and we all needed something to bring us together and get us talking.

The best part? Derek's alive. That has me happy. So very happy. I feel relieved and excited and I'm anxious. I want to see him and know he's safe. I'm also a bit flustered. But I can understand why he commented there instead of e-mailing me or something. He's alive. We're all good. And there's just more proof. Love... it's a very strong weapon. And we have it.

I'm a fighter. My weapon is hope and love. I'll keep fighting till the day He takes me down. And that won't be for a long time.

1 comment:

  1. I do hope you told him how you feel. You obviously care for him a lot by the looks of this post. It's hard for us to ignore it. I can only imagine how it is for you. And sorry. I just take time to get used to people give me a bit more time and not feeling like a useless moron and it should all be good.